Discounts!

So a lot has happened since I last posted on here, 10 years ago. For starters, I’m married and have a baby! Whaaaat? Look how cute my fam is!! 😍

I still do stupid stuff, just not as often. You know, Mommy’ing and Wife’ing have me busy. But I now am addicted to Amazon, and I want to share some discounts with y’all. Exciting, I know.

First off, who LOVES big bags for storage or moving? Like, when I move, I literally throw things in bags, and it makes it so much easier to move. Here’s a 6 pack of extra large moving bags with zippers & carrying handles, heavy-duty storage tote for space saving moving storage. It’s currently 53% off down to $23.24!! This deal won’t last long, so get it while you can! https://amzn.to/3HoYcva

Now let’s get to Valentine’s Day and my favorite…food. Yes, that has not changed in the past 10 years. Here’s a waffle maker that makes heart shaped Waffles 😍 and would be perfect for a Valentine’s breakfast for your boo or kiddos! https://amzn.to/3kZI4sH

And if you need a gift for your girlfriend, sis, Momma, or yourself , this two pack of high waist yoga pants are amazing. AND they have pockets!!! 👏🏼 you can get them here, and they’re 30% off right now!! https://amzn.to/3HMrfKG

Now, again, it’s been 10 years since I’ve posted, and I am old 👵🏼 so these next two items are legit needed. One is a gel head wrap that helps with migraines and relaxation, and it’s 40% off right now! https://amzn.to/3jkRVso

And the next is a TheraICE Elbow and knee ice pack sleeves! Also 40% off right now 🙌🏼 https://amzn.to/3YcKylC

I’m telling y’all, I’m old. Speaking of old, some of y’alls kids now!? They’re all in school, and I feel like that’s ridiculous and we will all be getting our AARP cards soon, but until then – I know what y’all can buy to make their teachers happy. Besides alcohol, let’s be honest, some of these items could help. This 24 count of SHARPIE S-Note Creative Markers, Highlighters, Assorted Colors, with Chisel Tip! Currently 65% off!!! https://amzn.to/3jmdNnc

I bought these for myself and am obsessed. This 12 pack of Sharpie S Gel pens are…get ready 58% off!

Here’s for the teachers, or if you have a random dry erase marker in your house? Idk. But this 12 count of expo dry erase markers are…drum roll please…73% off right now (as of 2/1/2022) https://amzn.to/3RosJ0G

Last but not least, a 12 cound of Elmer’s Gluesticks! At 57% off right now, grab some for your kids teacher/school, or snag it and put it away for the next school years back to school list! https://amzn.to/3WWARXz

Sooo here’s a few things, and I plan on using this site for other Amazon deals, maybe some dumb stories, or just cute pics of my babyyyy

So, I have this friend…

So, I have this friend that I’ve known for a long time…who is gay. She’s been struggling with it her whole life and never knew how to tell anyone. Because she, like everyone else, was born this way. But she said it’s been one of the biggest burdens ever, because she’s kept it a secret forever. She’s suffered from depression since she was in high school, and has been on meds for over 10 years to help with it. And she knows that some people have probably assumed it. Some of her family knows, and they support her and still love her, because she really is the same person she’s been her entire life. Nothing has changed, at all. Some of her friends know too, and they support her 100%, because they also know that she’s the same person. But what is starting to eat away at her and kill her spirit and hurting her heart is that she can’t decide if she should come out to the rest of her friends and family. Because she doesn’t want to disappoint anyone or lose friends over it, or embarrass her family.

We come from a very very small town in Tennessee, so she’s not sure how people will take it. Some of our friends that have come out in the past have been treated differently by our friends since doing so. Some of our friends stop inviting our gay friends on trips and to clubs and to a lot of things we do, because they don’t want a gay person there, because they say they don’t want to be hit on. But the thing is, just because someone’s gay doesn’t mean they’re going to hit on you or try anything with you. Does every person of the opposite sex do that to you? No, because not everyone is attracted to you. And if they haven’t tried anything with you yet, then they’re not going to.

But she hasn’t wanted to come out because she doesn’t want to be treated differently by our friends. And she knows if they don’t accept her then they’re not even real friends. But still, it’ll break her heart. She still wants to be invited everywhere like she has been and treated the same, because she really is the same person as she’s always been. So she sometimes thinks she should just suck it up and keep it to herself. But she also wants to tell people, because she’s living a lie and keeping it a secret is killing her more than anyone knows. She knows that it’s really no ones business, but it’s like the weight of the world is on her and she can’t take it anymore. So she doesn’t know if she should come out or not. It sucks for her. She’s been sad recently debating on what to do.

She really just wants people to still love her and know she’s the same person. She’s still silly, loud, sometimes obnoxious, witty, immature, clumsy, loves animals and babies and kids, still likes doing random spontaneous things and can’t dance to save her life (unless she’s drunk)…wants to be a rap video dancing girl though, she’s still a phenomenal drinker and can out drink most men, loves to write, loves to shop and quite possibly the best target shopper ever, thinks farts and burps and inappropriate jokes are funny, is the worst cook ever and still needs to learn, still loves helping people and volunteering and helping the homeless, she’s still an excellent road trip and vacation companion, still loves life and laughter, but most of all loves her family and friends more than anything in the world and really hopes they’d still love her and accept her and still treat her as if she never came out as gay. She just doesn’t know what to do. What do y’all think?

Oh…And by friend, I mean me.

I have been waiting for a long time to tell y’all this, and figure why not just go ahead and do it. And it’s Pride Month, so perfect timing. And hey, it could always be worse…at least I didn’t kill anyone? I just hope it helps me be less depressed and stressed, because I have enough of that right now in my life. This blog and telling y’all this could possibly be one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made, or the best. Who fucking knows?! I know how some people feel towards gay people, and there will be some people in life who will hurt or hate me, but oh well. I can’t change or “pray the gay away”. I can’t and don’t want to change who I am. I really was born this way. I want to be able to be me and be happy, because I haven’t been recently…And I hate being depressed and sad. I want to know what it feels like to be myself and not have to hide or lie about who I am.

This was one of the hardest things to say. But knowing my parents and sister and other family and friends still love me makes me realize I’m okay. I really just hope y’all can still treat me the same and love me for me, because I’m still Ames, and because I do love y’all.

“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love.” -John Lennon

Now, who wants to take a road-trip?!

Well…here goes nothings…

How I ended up in the projects of Nashville. What? Carpe the Hell out of this Diem!

Now, this is a story, all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I…ended up in the projects of Nashville. Okay, that didn’t really work out as well as Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but fuck it. I’m not a real rapper. But I did end up in the projects a couple of nights ago, and was going to tell y’all about it. Get excited, because it’s not really that exciting of a story.

So I’ve been in a major funk mood for a week or so, and my lovely friends have been helping me get out of it, even without knowing, just by talking and getting me out of the apartment (womp womp womp). I also decided I need to keep my blah moods off of Facebook, because my moods are good at making other people worry and doesn’t help cheer them up, and I’d rather cheer people up than make them worry…so I’ll keep my moods to myself now. And post stuff like this instead:

Now the day started with me going with a friend to a super cute little vintage art sale type thing. It’s just a bunch of booths set up with local artist who sale their stuff. It’s awesome. One of our friends had a booth there, so we went for her and to shop. But, best of all, there was a booth set up selling beer and wine. Score. That’s where I went, and threw down $8 for a big cup of wine. We walked around, I chugged it and soon became parched and needed another. Boom. 8 more bucks for a big cup of wine. By now I had become friendly with the two alcohol booth workers. So we went back to our friends booth, and I was like “I’m going to go throw my cup away”, and the trashcan was conveniently located next to…the booze booth. So I walked up and they were like “You want more?” And I was like, “yeah, nahhh…” but then asked how much a bottle would be. I have no shame. And when they told me $10, I was like “BRB!” and went over to my friends to borrow some cash. And without them knowing, they contributed to my alcoholism. Because they were all kinda “wtf’ish” when I walked back over with a bottle of wine. That’s when I knew my afternoon would be better than any afternoon last week. Because I, Ames, went to an art fair and walked out with a bottle of wine and super badass pillow made by my friend Lisa.

(Y’all should seriously check out her stuff…if you have a Facebook Like her page https://www.facebook.com/#!/LisaMarieInvitationsandDesign?fref=ts and if you don’t have a Facebook, or do, whatever, then here’s her ETSY http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaMarieInvitations She has the cutest stuff and is going to start selling the pillows soon. I don’t know if she wants a business plug from a blog talking about going to the projects, but…oh well.)

Okay, back to my story. So I was also invited out to Mercy Lounge to listen to a band Friday night and I was like, “Alright I’ll go”. But later that night when I got home, the wire on my bra broke and was poking my tit and I was like, “yeah, I’m not going to go…I’m going to stay home and drink wine and watch tv and be braless all night”. So my friend Suzy stopped by and she said she was invited to some party and asked if I wanted to go. Now, I really didn’t want to, but I had drunk 1.5 bottles of wine and a glass of wine from my boxed wine selection and a shot of Fireball. I’m classy as fuuuuck. So I decided to go. So we headed to the party and quickly realized that we weren’t in our type of neighborhood, and that’s when Suzy said we were in the projects. And yes, we definitely were.

We weren’t really sure about going to it after that, because two white girls from Cheatham County don’t really fit in with that type of place. But we’re pretty much down for anything. So we kept heading that way, but first stopped by Suzy’s work to handle some business in the restroom. Because let’s face it, the last place you want to sit your ass is on a toilet in the ‘hood. And normally we’ll pop a squat outside, but I have a feeling that’s even more dangerous than the toilet seat. So we did our business and started heading to the “house party”. Woop Woop, raise the roof. But on our way there, she called one of her friends who had invited us, and he was like “yeah, we called a cab…we’re not staying here!” and we were right down the street, and heading that way, so we said we would pick them up. And as we pulled closer, 11ish at night, there stood the two white people waiting to jump into our car. And they did. And we left and went to her friend Pauls house. Who is now my Facebook friend, so we’re basically BFF’s now.

So we hung out at his place for a little bit, where I consumed more beer and another big shot of Fireball. And around 12ish we decided to roll out of there and head home. But we both decided it would be mega hilarious to stop by that party, and take a pic of us there and send it to him. Like, LOL funny. So we did. Now, I was completely drunk. I was at the 2ish bottles of wine, three shots of Fireball and a six-pack of beer…because when I get drunk, I also like to feel out of control. So less drunk Suzy should’ve been like “eh, bad idea for two white girls to drive back into the projects to take a picture at a party.” But, she’s like me and we don’t understand the concept of dangerous because we don’t watch the news.

Suzy, drunk me, Suzy’s drunk friend Matt…I think.

We got back to the party and was walking to the house from our car and heard “fire crackers”…but we’re quite certain that it was more of a gun cracker than a fire cracker, but whatevs’. One of Suzy’s other friends that had invited her to the party earlier, had decided to stay, so luckily we had him there too. So we walked into the party like we were personally invited to it, and here’s where it gets interesting…

Rap battle, whaaaat?! Yes, we walked right into a freestyle rap battle. And if you know me, then you know that I am 100% obsessed with this kind of stuff. Like, 8 Mile is one of my fav movies and is the reason that I want to move to Detroit and become a rapper like Eminem. Refer back to this if you weren’t aware of that passion…

I want to live in Detroit. Where are Whoopie Golberg’s eyebrows?? My mind wanders in 1,299 directions. Let’s be friends!

So needless to say, once we realized shit was getting real in there, we stayed for a while. It was awesome, awesome. And we were invited to some rap thing they’re doing at some club in a couple weeks. Annnd I literally had the best night ever. I lost my Cheatham County white girl status that night, and I couldn’t be happier. And that, angel faces, is how I ended up in the projects of Nashville.

No Mr. Homeless man, YOU have the pretty smile!

I got distracted by quoting Friday and hair-do’s and giraffe pussy to even tell y’all what happened this morning, which was the reason I was going to post today anyways. Amy, you are an idiot. So, sorry for posting two times with in a few minutes. Sike.

So in Nashville we have this newspaper, called The Contributor, that is about the homeless life with stories and poems and news written by the homeless community in the city. AND it’s sold by homeless vendors…whaaaat?!?! Yeah, it’s pretty fucking cool!!! Like, they buy a paper for .25 and sell it for $1.00 and get to keep the .75 profit and any tips they receive. Pretty bomb dot com if you ask me. So anytime I see a vendor selling one, I buy it. And if I already have the issue then I’ll give them a buck and say keep the paper for someone else. Seriously, a dollar isn’t that big of a deal to hand out. Sooooo yeah, I always get onto my friends and family and make them give money. You’re welcome, loved ones.

Well this morning, I stopped for a diet coke and I saw a man selling the paper as I was leaving the parking lot. And, my train of thought is, if I can buy myself a drink then I can give money on my way out. So I stopped. And the guy got ready to hand me the paper, and me hand him money, and I was like “ohh I already have that issue, so you can keep it! Oh wait!! No I don’t!!” And I gave him a dollar and he gave me the paper and laughed. And with a huge smile on his face, he said “you have such a pretty smile!! God bless you!” And it hit me…this man, who does not have a home to go to on a cold day like today, is still happy, laughing and smiling. And I know sooo many people who have hundreds of meaningless possessions and live a materialistic life and are always unhappy and bitter and just a pain in the ass. But if this man, who has nothing but the backpack sitting on the sidewalk next to him, can see the positive and be happy with life, then so can we. And, not trying to judge, but when he smiled, he didn’t have all of his teeth and some were a few different colors. So most people would say he didn’t have a nice smile. But I think he had the greatest smile I’ve seen in a long time. He is the one with the pretty smile.

Count your blessings, not your problems.

Lezzzzbehonest

Lezzbehonest. I mean, we’re internet BFFs and all, so we might as well be frank with one another. I was mega honest with y’all a few months ago, and told y’all a buttload of secrets. In case you missed it, here it is:

The world didn’t end, but I’ll still confess a few things.

Yeah, my parents were super proud to find those out and have people ask them about them when they would see them in public. And I’m in the mood to be honest again. It won’t be anything like that first one, because let’s face it. I was more than an open book with that one. But, I’m bored…sooo, lezzzbehonest.

1. In high school, on one of our “senior skip days”, I went with some friends to get tattoos. Most of us were 17. Annnnd…we smoked weed with the tattoo guy.

2. I once asked a truck driver in a parking lot if I could see what the inside of his truck looked like and take a picture in it. He let me. Looking back, that could’ve been a murder moment.

3. I also asked the driver of an ice cream van, in the parking lot of a liquor store, if I could take a picture inside of it.

4. I went to a psychic once and got to ask her three questions. So I asked what will my profession be? When will I die? and how will I die? Her response was I’ll work in the entertainment industry. I’ll die when I’m 33 years old. And it will be from a disease. I then asked her if it will be a disease I catch from a celebrity, and she was all “You only get THREE questions!” bitch.

5. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

lol…Jk. That was Digital Underground that got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

6. I take my bra off in traffic when it’s super hot out. What?! It gets HOT in Tennessee summers!!

7. I get hardcore competitive when playing board/card games. Especially Uno. I will cuss a bitch up and down during that fucking game. “DRAW FOUR?!?! FUCK YOU!”

8. I saw Big Momma’s House in the movie theatre 5 times.

9. I can quote Pitch Perfect word for word.

10. I can out drink most men. Seriously.

11. My Nannie can out drink me.

12. A few years ago, on a road trip to Kentucky, my friend and I got bored in the car, so we called our manager and told her that we had been arrested and needed her help. She totally believed it. Annnnd totally didn’t think it was as funny as we did. Whoops.

13. I caught a cup of alcohol on fire on my friends front porch because I wanted to see if it would really catch fire. It did.

14. I would probably have sex with someone if they would pay off my car note and other debt.

15. Fuck it…I would have sex with someone if they would just pay off my car note.

16. When I’m using a public restroom and there are women talking back and forth between the stalls, I like to chime in and give my opinion on the subject.

17. I thoroughly enjoy rolling houses.

18. I tried being a smoker for a while, but I didn’t know how to inhale the right way, and everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong and wasting cigarettes. And it made me feel uncool, so I stopped trying.

19. I cook meth.

20. I know all of the words to Ice Ice Baby and Baby Got Back.

21. I was on my period in Florida last year, and drunk in the ocean, and a guy close to us caught a baby shark and I yelled out “I’m the reason you caught that! I’m on my period and they can smell the menstruation. You’re welcome!” I have no shame when I’m drunk.

22. Which is probably why, when I’m drunk at a bar, I like to go up to black people and ask them to teach me how to dance like they do.

23. I was lying about cooking meth. LOL. I can barely cook spaghetti.

24. This one time, I told my friend that someone had called her house phone to talk to her about a new up in coming business opportunity, and then I made up a fake phone number. And she believed me and called the number asking about it. Talk about confusion. I LOL’ed for a long time about that.

25. I lie about dumb stuff…my mom says I just have an imagination.

26. I pee in the pool.

27. I kissed a girl and I liked it…the taste of her cherry chapstick.

28. I wanted to be a truck driver and a veterinarian when I was a kid.

29. The first thing I’ll buy myself when I win the lottery is a doo doo brown El Camino, with a CB Radio.. That was my dream car when I turned 16, and I didn’t get it. Sooo, I’ll be purchasing that.

30. I like to throw banana peels out of my window, like the gorilla from Mario Kart, to see if people spin out when they run over it. So far, no one has.

31. I pee in the shower.

32. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.

33. I fell down the stairs a few years ago and broke my wrist. But when people ask me how it happened, I like to make up stories about it. So, so far I’ve broken it in a bar fight. Umm, when I was in a car accident and the other vehicle caught on fire and I tried saving the driver of the car. I loved someone so much that I caught a grenade for them. Trying to carjack someone in Compton.

34.If there were a hidden camera in my car then you would:

* See me pick my nose, fart and burp…constantly.
* Hear me sing along with the radio with more passion than any one person has ever sang with.
* Witness me talking back to the radio commercials. “Are you looking to buy a new diamond for your loved one?”…”Well, yes I am.”…”Are you interested in affordable cheap payments?”…”fuck yeah, I am!”…”Then give us a call at 555-5555!”…”Alrighty then. I’ll talk to you soon!”
* Hear me try to give myself advice to my own problems.
* Also hear me talk smack about people.
* Cry along to sad songs.
* Basically have one horrible emotional rollercoaster of a drive to wherever I’m going.
* Then say “How am I already here?!” once I reach my destination.

35. I tried ecstasy once…and it consisted of me taking a clock off of the wall and making a Flava Flave necklace and wearing it around, eating tater tots, dancing annnnd puking. I think it might have not been real ecstasy. Either way, I haven’t tried it since.

36. I like to buy homeless people, that are standing outside of restraunts, food.

37. I really do dream of world peace.

38. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a roadtrip with a fun friend. Inviting me on a roadtrip will automatically make me want to be your BFF.

39. I once overflowed a toilet in a Sonic in St. Louis…I’ve never ran away from a crime scene as fast as I booked it out that day.

40. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life…maybe become a truck driver?

41. One morning, when I had a hangover and was riding in the backseat of a friends car, I told her husband “pull over, I’m fixing to be sick” and he was like “Hang on a sec.” And I was like “No…” and he didn’t pull over and I puked all over the back seat and floorboard. Should’ve listened dumbass.

42. And I really will have sex with whoever is willing to pay off my car note…just saying.

LOL. J/K…no I won’t. Okay, yeah I will.

Welp, this helped me waste a couple of hours at work! And wasted a few minutes of your life while reading it. I know it sucked, but it kept me busy and unannoyed for a little while. You’re welcome, America.

Oh, real quick, do y’all wanna hear a funny thing my Nannie said yesterday? Cool, because I was going to tell y’all anyways…so she went to see the doctor that’s going to be doing the operation for her breast cancer, and it’s the same doctor she had 15 years ago when she went thru it all. And she said the doctor was like “Well, Mrs Vanderpool, you’ve lost weight since I’ve seen you!” And Nannie is small, and has been, and didn’t like that statement. So Nannie was like, “I was going to respond to that with ‘Yeah, and you look a lot older and more tired since I’ve last seen you’ but remembered that I would be unconscious with her cutting me open, so I figured I should keep that to myself. No telling what she’d do to my boobs”. LOLOL. Ahhh, I loved it.

Lezzzbehonest…this was lame..MAYBE I should go do some more bad things and then I’ll have more to confess, and then it won’t be as lame. Best. Idea. Ever. Ok?! Bye!

I had a dream…of a beauty pageant, no period, teeth falling out, a puppy and blueberry nipples. Whaaaat?

Y’all wanna hear about my dreams last night?? That’s cool, cause I was going to tell you anyways.

I had a dream…that I was in a beauty pageant, LOLOL…I know right?, and the man asked the question “If you could have anything you want, what would it be?” to all of the contestants. And they all said, “world peace“. And it got to me and I was like “to never bleed from my vagina again!” Way to stay classy, Amy.

I had a dream…that I was at Zanie’s, a comedy club in Nash, and started laughing really hard annnnd my teeth fell out. True story: I have dreams about my teeth falling out, all the time. It’s weird. And I always wake up in a panic and run to the mirror to make sure I still have them. I had a dream one night that I was riding my bike behind a bus and started smiling like a complete idiot annnnd then my teeth crumbled out of my mouth. It’s bad news bears when I have those dreams. Anyways.

I had a dream…that I got a puppy! And was eating blueberry muffins and the cute little pup’ was eating them with me! It was adorable!

But when I finally started getting ready for work, I knew those dreams wouldn’t come true. I can’t be in a beauty pageant. My teeth, hopefully, won’t fall out at Zanie’s while laughing. I won’t be getting a puppy anytime soon. But then I realized I could totally do something about the blueberry muffins. So I made some mother fucking blueberry muffins for breakfast, and they were borderline phenomenal. And yes, as usual, they came out of the oven with the nipple shaped tops. I can’t figure out why that happens. Guess my oven and/or muffin pan is perverted like their owner. Maybe if I sweet talk the bitches, they’ll stop turning my food into sexual body parts. Be all like “want me to put it in you? Nice and slow? Is that how you like it?” Or do the pelvis thrust towards the oven and be all like “want me to bang the shit out of you to teach you a lesson?!?!” LOL. That’s not appropriate talk for a lady. My bad.

Speaking of naughty muffins…right as I was pulling out of my apartment complex this morning, shoving one of the muff’s in my mouth, the heaven’s opened up and God was like “Ames, have a great day! You deserve it boo!” and then he made “big pimpin'” come on Pandora. And it was like, right as I pulled out. It was one of those moments that if my life were a movie or tv show then that would have been my background music for the morning. I totes felt like a thug’ish pimp…with my muffins, Sonic diet coke, and adorable little orange Kia.

Speaking of pimp…I couldn’t remember if I had taken my medicine this morning before leaving for work, so I decided to take it again…just in case. Which means I took 2 crazy pills, 2 happy pills and 2 ADD pills. Which means, I’m the happiest bitch in Nashville today. Like, the sun is literally shining out of my ass! And I have never been more focused in my life. I feel like I could accomplish anything!! Cure cancer today? Why the fuck not?! Learn how to read braille?! OK! Find a black boy and ask him to teach me how to Dougie? Sounds like a fucking plan to me.

Speaking of a plan…I’m trying to come up with a plan to buy a house. Watch out world, I’m becoming an adult!!!

Speaking of being an adult…I need an alcoholic beverage.

Speaking of alcoholic beverage…I hope all of you beautiful friends have a fantastic weekend!!!

Everyone just needs to calm down…so what if the homeless man rubbed his wiener against your…

So there I was standing in the checkout line at Target, when all of a sudden the lady, who was a few people ahead of me, had to complain because the three rugs she was wanting to buy rang up at the wrong price. And dumb dumb HAD to ask for two different managers to come over so she could complain. Ain’t nobody got time for that. But I try not to let that kind of stuff get to me, because let’s face it…life’s too short to get pissed off about a long line at a retail store. The bitches in front and behind me, however, must not have the same train of thought as I do, because they were throwing mega temper-tantrums. All I could hear was “This is fucking ridiculous!”…no your attitude is fucking ridiculous, side ponytail wearing ma’am. “Can’t you bring up more cashiers?!?”…can’t you mind your own damn business? “I have somewhere important to be!”…ordering from the McDonalds dollar menu isn’t that important of a place to be..it will still be available when you’re finished here. They all needed to pipe the fuck down. So while the broads moaned and groaned and dumb dumb took over 20 minutes to be told, for the 5th time, that the rugs she picked out were not on sale, I decided to catch up on Ruzzle and Pinterest. Best 20 minutes in line at Target, ever. But when they finally got dumb dumb out of the way and started ringing up everyone else, all the women still had an attitude towards the poor cashier girl! Totally not necessary gals. So when I got up there, I talked and stuff to the cashier girl and was well on my way to becoming her newest BFF. And when I finally paid, all sorts of coupons started coming out with the receipt and I was like “WHAAAT?!” “Raise the roof!” “Big money, big money, no whammy!” “Is this what supermarket sweep feels like?!” Basically, I was saying a lot of stupid shit. But the cashier and people in line behind me laughed and yeah…that my friends, is what I like to call: helping people calm the fuck down in annoying situations.

So remember when you’re in an annoying, unfun, situation: Life’s too short to get upset over something super stupid like that. So what if it takes a cashier a while to ring up customers. So what if it takes a server a few extra minutes to bring you your food. So what if the homeless man rubs his wiener against your…wait, what? The point is, life’s too short to get mad over dumb shit. So take a deep breath, say something stupid to yourself, giggle it off, don’t worry-be happy, and move along.

Annnnd you’re welcome 🙂

I want to live in Detroit. Where are Whoopie Golberg’s eyebrows?? My mind wanders in 1,299 directions. Let’s be friends!

I wanted to move to Detroit after watching the movie 8 Mile. Speaking of hair products, I bought a new shampoo and conditioner to try out and my hair has never looked so sexy and irresistible. Do you want to go on a hot air balloon ride with me? Butterscotch candy tastes good. I had a dream last night that I got a puppy…it was the best dream ever. Speaking of dreams, I have a recurring dream that my teeth fall out in crazy weird, but painless, ways. One day I was riding my bike behind a bus and I started to smile and my teeth crumbled out of my mouth. That was one of the dreams, not real life. Because I have my teeth. When I go to the dentist, my dentist takes a picture of the “daggum” tat that I have tattooed on my lip. I wish they would give me laughing gas at the dentist. When I had back surgery last year, I told the anesthesiologist to “Stay golden, Ponyboy” as I was drifting into unconsciousness. I like the color, blue. It reminds me of the sky…and the ocean. I like going to the beach. I almost married a foreign kiosk worker for $10,000 so he could stay in America. I don’t want to get married, unless it’s while drunk in Vegas. I’ve never been to Vegas tho. I once checked in to Facebook from the Vegas strip, but I was really in Nashville just bullshitting my friends. I played the card game Bullshit with a couple of strangers one night at a bar after I asked them what game they were playing and they were like “Gin” and I was like “Oh…I don’t know how to play that game…wanna play bullshit instead?!” and so we did. I got lost in the mall when I was like 5 years old while waiting in line to get Stephanie from Full House’s autograph. I used to practice my autograph when I was a kid because I thought I would be famous. I also used to talk to myself. I told my 2nd grade teacher that she looked like Mrs. Doubtfire. I like Robin Williams, I think he’s funny. And hairy, like really hairy. Did you know Whoopie Goldberg doesn’t have eyebrows? I don’t know why, but she doesn’t. I noticed it while watching Sister Act. I don’t eat the bottom part of bananas. Do you? Someone told me as a child that maggots live in the bottom of bananas, so I haven’t been able to eat that part since. Since we’re talking about childhood, how was yours? Mine was good. I slipped on a coloring book once and hurt my arm. And fell in a hole at the zoo and sprained my ankle. I used to give haircuts to my Trolls. Did you have trolls? The toy, not the trolls that live under bridges. I wonder what it’s like to live under a bridge. I bet it’s cold. My nipples get hard when I’m cold. Do yours? Oh can I see? lol..JK. I don’t want to see your nipples. Unless they’re beautiful, then please oh please show them. You know what’s beautiful? Your face. And don’t let anyone ever tell you different. And if someone tries to tell you that you’re not beautiful then tell me and I’ll go kick their ass!!! Jk. I can’t fight. I took a kickboxing class one night at the Y…but I had a couple margaritas before the class, and was tipsy and fighting like a, well…like a tipsy girl. I don’t like fighting tho, I’d rather hug it out. Hugs not drugs..unless the drug is cocaine, because we all know that is a fucking blast. Like Dena from Jersey Shore says “a blast in a glass”! I took an etiquette class once and was playing the cup game with my friend, where you beat on a cup and the table and flip and switch. But we were using fancy champagne glasses. And we accidentally broke them. Like bones. Did you get your calcium in today?! I dare you to ask the next lady you see breastfeeding if you can have a taste! LOL. Sike. That would probably land you in jail, and I don’t want you in jail. Someone would make you their bitch. And you’d have to fight. And if you can’t even beat the shit out of someone for saying your face isn’t beautiful, then how are you supposed to protect yourself from people in jail? Don’t drop the soap! If you ask, will they give you body wash instead of soap? Bars of soap are so disgusting, so I would want to have my Bath and Body Works body wash with me in jail. I once road with a couple of friends to take one of our friends to jail to do her 48-hours for getting a DUI. We drank the whole way there. And one of my friends gave her a speech about not letting another inmate eat her monkey. I always wanted a pet monkey. You wanna go steal one from the zoo with me? I stole bamboo from the zoo once, so how much harder could a monkey be? Probably not as hard as your man’s dick when…wait? What? I told you my hair is sexy and irresistible right now. Want me to talk dirty to you? Alright then big boy…there I was, standing in the shower, super wet, annnnnd then I peed. TMI? Fuck you and your abbreviations. That’s why the English language is so difficult to learn. I want to learn some crazy ass tribal language…or Spanish. But Spanish people talk faster than Busta Rhymes, so it seems hard. And ain’t nobody got time for that! Except someone who’s unemployed. They have plenty of time. I haven’t worn a watch since my Tigger watch in elementary school. And my dad broke it. It made me sooooo mad. Like how Eminem hates his dad for messing up his life…except my dad didn’t mess up my life, just my Tigger watch. Eminem is from Detroit Michigan. Which is where 8 Mile is based from. And Eminem is in 8 Mile. I want to live in Detroit. And eat some macaroni and cheese. Oh, and take a hot air balloon ride. But I can’t right now because I’m too busy running my fingers thru my newly sexy and irresistible hair. Pretty fucking sexual actually. And by sexual I mean, not sexual at all because I can’t find my hairbrush so it’s basically my fingers trying to get out tangles. Anyways, wanna be friends?! Like, BEST friends?! Forever? Where’s my puppy?

This is how I spend 87% of my day thinking about things. Did this post really just happen? Yep, sure did.

Ain’t nobody got time for that, and a drag queen named Bianca!

Holy shit to the moon and back, it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been on here! I’ve just been such a super busy lazy girl, but no need to fear…Amy is here. LOL. Yeah, super exciting shit, I know. Anyways. What’s been going on with y’all? Hope you sweetpea’s have been living it up, cause I know I sure have!! Seriously, like…if there was an award given for living it up, then like I’d win it hands down. Just look at the button wreath from Pinterest that I made:

It literally took like, three fucking hours to make, a few hot glue gun burns and lots of potty mouth words. Like pretty sure I dropped more F-Bombs in my apartment than the troops have dropped bombs in Afghanistan. Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. But I think it turned out mega swell. Kinda. Maybe. Sike, it looks like shit and every button will probably be picked off by my ghetto neighbs, cause it’s tough getting respect being the only white girl in my building. Oh well.

Oh! I just recently discovered the “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That!” video!!!!! Y’all, I’ve legit watched it about 10 times a day for the past week and a half. Shit is too funny!!! Haven’t seen it before? Well here you go…you’re welcome!

Ahhhhhhahahaha. See?! Best thing ever. Oh man. That’s pretty much the most bomb dot com thing I’ve seen in a long time. People make me smile.

BRB…there’s some dude walking into our office who looks like he doesn’t belong in this joint.

WTF, *eyes roll-out my head-and out the door* No bro, I don’t wanna buy your shit. Can’t you tell that I’m trying to talk to my friends?! Pipe the fuck down! Ain’t nobody got time for that!! LOLOL. Best phrase ever.

Watch this video for your Pipe the Fuck Down reference:

Oh! Guess what else has happened in my “living it up” life!? I painted my fingernails in hope that it’ll help me stop biting my nails. Because I, true story, have the most manliest looking fingernails in the history of girls with manly looking fingernails. So it was really like painting a dot and then a bunch of skin. HAHA. JK. But seriously, I’ve seen infants with prettier nails and paint jobs than what I’m sporting right now. And, confession, I tried to bite one of my nails earlier. And then when I looked in the bathroom mirror later on, I had a pink nail polish glob on my tooth. FML. SMH. WTF. I wouldn’t mind a new life sometimes.

I dropped my butterscotch candy thing out of my mouth and totally picked it up and put it back in my mouth. No wonder I’m always sick.

And I forgot to take my ADD medicine this morning, so my mind has wandered around more than Carmen San Diego.

Oh and I went to Play last weekend, this super fun gay bar in Nashville, and saw a drag queen that did Reba songs!! And had her facial expressions down perrrfectly! It was like being at a 6ft tall Reba concert! And while I was there, check this out y’all…my friend went to the bathroom, so I did what I do best and went up to the bar for a drink. And there was a drag queen, not one that was there performing..just a fella that likes to wear pretty dresses, standing there. And I looked at her and she downed a shot, and I was all like “what was that?!” and she was like “TEQUILA!” And I said “Holy shit! I like the way you drink!!” And so we started talking and blah blah blah and next thing I know, she says she’s from Chicago!! I was like “whaaaaat?! I wanna live there so super bad!” and then we kept talking and blah blah blah, she said I can come up there whenever I want and stay with her!! And we traded numbers and yeah. I was am very excited about it. Oh, and her name is Bianca. Shut the front door! I’m going to like being Bianca’s friend 🙂

Also, cool story, someone did a post about me on their blog…super sweet and absolutely made my ever lovin’ day!!! And I hear, a lot, how my “writing” sounds like it’s me just directly talking, or however you want to word it. And it’s true. Here’s my secret…I literally type everything I say out loud and/or in my head. And 99% of the time I never proofread it because if I did, then I would probably delete all of it. So there’s that. And here’s his super nice, make Amy big headed, post.

http://ryannaylor.org/2013/02/03/ahhh-refreshing/

I gotta pee…brb.

So raise your hand if it annoys you when I announce that I’m going to go pee. *hand raised*

Oh look what was in my mailbox when I got home from work yesterday. Happy Valentine’s Day to meee

I legit took the shot right there at the mailbox. It’s called having absolutely no self-control and not giving a fuck about anything.

It’s hard to post on here when you’re doing it from work. Cause like…these bitches be calling expecting you to be at their becking call and I’m like “damn y’all…I do me and you do you!! Ain’t nobody got time for that!”

I need my medicine.

And, I’m not saying I just bit my nail again, but I have to go to the bathroom and get the bright pink fingernail polish off of my teeth. fuck my life.

I’ll post something else soon that is actually worth wasting your time reading. LOL. Who am I kidding, nothing I write is worth reading. Okay, bye! 🙂

Let’s bring back flip phones and wet apple jacks!

WHADUP pals! It’s been a whole flippin’ week since I’ve posted anything, waaaah I know. But I’ve been a sicky sick girl and haven’t felt like doing anything, cue violins. But guess the flip what?! I started going back to Weight Watcher meetings last Saturday, so I went to weigh-in today, and I lost 9.6 pounds my first week back!! Back up, Jennifer Hudson! Here comes, Ames!! LOL. Jk. But seriously, I have a gut feeling part of that has to do with being sick since Wednesday. And two funny weird and dumb things have happened this week to possibly lead to me being sick, so like the Law and Order: SVU fan I am, I’ve been trying to solve the mystery. Ok, I lied…I haven’t really been trying to solve the mystery. I just want an excuse to tell y’all about what has happened to me this week since I didn’t feel like posting it when it happened. OKAY! So now that we’re on the same page…

Tuesday night! I want to tell y’all about the new movement I started in Walgreens Tuesday night!! So I went into Walgreens to pick up a couple of things. Quick and easy trip in, right? Wrong. There was a lady checking out when I had first walked up, so I text a friend of mine and asked if she was going to the $2 drink night at a local bar. What? Isn’t that what everyone does when they’re standing in line at stores? Anyways, she said yes and I officially had plans to go drink after I was finished in the ‘greens. And by that time, two more people had walked up behind me, both on their cell phones. Which means they were probably heading to another bar for cheap drinks, too. Or probably just texting their loved ones saying they would be home in a few minutes and to go ahead and start dinner. I wouldn’t know anything about that though, because noooo ooooone looooves meeeee. LOL. jk. Bartenders love me. Anyways, again, back to my Walgreens movement. Once the first lady was finished checking out, she moved up to put her change in her purse and get all of her shit together, so I stepped up so the cashier could start ringing up my items. And I was talking to the cashier and the first lady reached down for her cell phone, an old school flip phone, and was like “It’s not like you’d wanna steal this thing anyways!” And I chuckled and was like “actually, I totally would steal it because I’ve been wanting to get rid of this phone and get a flip phone!!” And she was all “What? Why?? Your phone is so cool!” And everyone was listening to us by then, so I was like “Cause, when I had a flip phone and would get pissed off I would be all ‘aaahhhh’ and slam it shut. And I miss that. Cause now when I get pissed off I’m all ‘aaaahhh’ and press the red end call button. And it’s so not the same. I miss the dramatic effect of slamming a flip phone shut.” And everyone laughed and agreed with that. Which means that I can’t be the only one who misses flip phones. Which means, I’m bringing flip phones back. Which means, welcome to the “We want flip phones back so we can slam it shut when we get pissed off instead of pushing the end call button like some crybaby wimp!!!” So, it’s possible, I could have caught my stomach bug from someone in Walgreens. Doubt it, but isn’t that flip phone idea like, the best idea ever?! Almost as good of an idea as going to $2 drink nights at Corner Pub.

Wednesday morning!! I wanna tell y’all how I survived the flood of 2013 on Wednesday morning! Early Wednesday morning we had crazy rain and tornadoes in Middle Tennessee, and Thursday night and Friday morning we had snow..gotta love Tennessee weather. But yeah, so Wednesday morning…I was driving to work with my window down. Just down enough to get some fresh air, but up high enough so rain wouldn’t get in. Perfect plan. Until an 18-wheeler driving on the opposite side of the interstate barrier thing, hit a big thing of standing water right as it passed by me, and splashed an Atlantic Ocean type wave of nasty dirty smelly rainy street water thru my window and all over me. It fuuuucking sucked, y’all. Seriously. And I had a ziploc bag of Apple Jacks in my lap, and my apple jacks got completely soaked. And I’m telling y’all this because we’re friends and all, so don’t go telling strangers, but I ate one of the Apple Jacks to see how it would taste. And it tasted like ass. Like a big nasty wet ass. I do not recommend you eat an Apple Jack that has been drenched by rain water from the street. So, like, I guess that’s how I could’ve gotten so sick. Because by Wednesday afternoon, I was down for the kill. And I’ve been home sick ever since. Yeah, that’s probably how I got the funk. But anyways, I survived the flood of 2013 inside my car!!!! So I should probably be rewarded with a flip phone…?

And so yeah, it’s been a long few days. But I’m pretty jazzed that I lost 9.6lbs this past week! I think Jessica Simpson got preggo this 2nd time on purpose, because she knew I was coming after her spot on those Weight Watchers commercials with Jennifer Hudson! LOL. Jk. I don’t want to be in a commercial with J. Huds. I just want to drink $2 beers and eat dry Apple Jacks and not get sick and play with puppies and kittens while I text my friends on a flip phone! Is that too much to ask?! No? Good. I knew you would see it my way. And I’m still kinda tired and loopy from being blah this week, so I’ll use that as my excuse for this weird post. Sorry. But hey, once y’all get your flip phones, text me!!!!!!! 🙂