So, I have this friend that I’ve known for a long time…who is gay. She’s been struggling with it her whole life and never knew how to tell anyone. Because she, like everyone else, was born this way. But she said it’s been one of the biggest burdens ever, because she’s kept it a secret forever. She’s suffered from depression since she was in high school, and has been on meds for over 10 years to help with it. And she knows that some people have probably assumed it. Some of her family knows, and they support her and still love her, because she really is the same person she’s been her entire life. Nothing has changed, at all. Some of her friends know too, and they support her 100%, because they also know that she’s the same person. But what is starting to eat away at her and kill her spirit and hurting her heart is that she can’t decide if she should come out to the rest of her friends and family. Because she doesn’t want to disappoint anyone or lose friends over it, or embarrass her family.
We come from a very very small town in Tennessee, so she’s not sure how people will take it. Some of our friends that have come out in the past have been treated differently by our friends since doing so. Some of our friends stop inviting our gay friends on trips and to clubs and to a lot of things we do, because they don’t want a gay person there, because they say they don’t want to be hit on. But the thing is, just because someone’s gay doesn’t mean they’re going to hit on you or try anything with you. Does every person of the opposite sex do that to you? No, because not everyone is attracted to you. And if they haven’t tried anything with you yet, then they’re not going to.
But she hasn’t wanted to come out because she doesn’t want to be treated differently by our friends. And she knows if they don’t accept her then they’re not even real friends. But still, it’ll break her heart. She still wants to be invited everywhere like she has been and treated the same, because she really is the same person as she’s always been. So she sometimes thinks she should just suck it up and keep it to herself. But she also wants to tell people, because she’s living a lie and keeping it a secret is killing her more than anyone knows. She knows that it’s really no ones business, but it’s like the weight of the world is on her and she can’t take it anymore. So she doesn’t know if she should come out or not. It sucks for her. She’s been sad recently debating on what to do.
She really just wants people to still love her and know she’s the same person. She’s still silly, loud, sometimes obnoxious, witty, immature, clumsy, loves animals and babies and kids, still likes doing random spontaneous things and can’t dance to save her life (unless she’s drunk)…wants to be a rap video dancing girl though, she’s still a phenomenal drinker and can out drink most men, loves to write, loves to shop and quite possibly the best target shopper ever, thinks farts and burps and inappropriate jokes are funny, is the worst cook ever and still needs to learn, still loves helping people and volunteering and helping the homeless, she’s still an excellent road trip and vacation companion, still loves life and laughter, but most of all loves her family and friends more than anything in the world and really hopes they’d still love her and accept her and still treat her as if she never came out as gay. She just doesn’t know what to do. What do y’all think?
Oh…And by friend, I mean me.
I have been waiting for a long time to tell y’all this, and figure why not just go ahead and do it. And it’s Pride Month, so perfect timing. And hey, it could always be worse…at least I didn’t kill anyone? I just hope it helps me be less depressed and stressed, because I have enough of that right now in my life. This blog and telling y’all this could possibly be one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made, or the best. Who fucking knows?! I know how some people feel towards gay people, and there will be some people in life who will hurt or hate me, but oh well. I can’t change or “pray the gay away”. I can’t and don’t want to change who I am. I really was born this way. I want to be able to be me and be happy, because I haven’t been recently…And I hate being depressed and sad. I want to know what it feels like to be myself and not have to hide or lie about who I am.
This was one of the hardest things to say. But knowing my parents and sister and other family and friends still love me makes me realize I’m okay. I really just hope y’all can still treat me the same and love me for me, because I’m still Ames, and because I do love y’all.
“It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love.” -John Lennon
Now, who wants to take a road-trip?!
Well…here goes nothings…