I was going to post this last night, 12/20/12…but I didn’t, because I was tipsy and put a lot of stuff that I didn’t want people to know. And I put on Facebook that I wasn’t going to post it, since the world wasn’t going to end. But a few people asked me to anyways. So I went back today and took out a few things that would be a little too confessional’ey. So, here’s an edited version of last nights blog:
So since the world is supposed to end tomorrow, I figured I would get out some of my deep dark confessions. I would like to apologize in advance to my parents for this…I love you, LarBear and Sherbear.
1. If I drop food on the ground and no one’s around, I pick it up and eat it even if it’s been longer than the 3 second rule.
2. I was pulled over a few years ago after drinking downtown, story: It was a night that I was in a paper, rock, scissors contest at a bar in Downtown Nashville. I lost. But, I had free beers from 7-10. Which means I two-fisted it for three hours. And then had an ungodly amount of Jagerbombs, Lemondrops and Dumpsterbombs. What is a Dumpsterbomb, you ask? Well, it’s like 5 liquors with a can of Red Bull in it. One of those, you’re set for the night. But if you’re like me and like to be out of control when you drink, then three of those will be a good start. So, after a long night of drinking there…and drinking free beers at a karaoke bar, I stupidly decided to drive home. I got pulled over and, from what I remember, it went like this:
police- “ma’am, have you been drinking tonight??”
me- “I had a glass of wine with dinner…?”
police- “young lady, it’s 4 in the morning”
me- “It was a late dinner…?”
police- “Step out of the car”
police- “walk in a straight line for us”
me- “ok…*singing, because you’re mine, I walk the line*” and
walked attempted to walk, in a straight line.
police- “ookay. Stand on one foot”
me- “umm…” stood on one foot and fell against the car
police- “Can you say the alphabet backwards for us, now”
me- “Z…fuck. No”
They then handcuffed me, sat me on the sidewalk, read me my rights as I cried and puked. But then, it was like the heavens opened up and God said “not tonight, Ames. You will NOT get arrested tonight!” And I cried and did what I do best…ramble. So I rambled and rambled and blabbed to two of the cops while another was running my tags and doing whatever it was police officers do when they’re about to arrest someone. I talked them into taking the handcuffs off of me because “they hurt my wrist so super bad. And I broke that wrist before and it just hurts awfully bad. Please can I take em off?” And boom, they took them off. I don’t know what all I said after that, but long story still long…they had my car towed and called me a cab. BOOM! No ticket. But I haven’t confessed that but to a handful of friends, so I feel better now. I haven’t driven drunk since.
3. I use to get diarrhea every time I went into a Blockbuster.
4. I still get diarrhea whenever I go into a Barnes and Noble.
5. I played on the boats at Bass Pro Shop with some friends one night, till like 3 in the morning.
6. Sometimes, I’ll steal a roll of the individually wrapped toilet paper from public restrooms so I don’t have to stop by the store for toilet paper on my way home.
7. I play a game when I’m out in public with friends, that isn’t nice at all, but it’s way fun. It’s called Your Team. And let’s say you see someone who is super awkward looking or in a weird shirt or doing something strange, then you look at one of your friends and say “Your team”. It sounds weird and dumb and it is. But, it makes me happy.
8. I got mad at someone once, and went thru their phone and deleted every contact they had in their phone book.
9. I got mad at someone else once, and went thru their phone and changed the name on every contact.
10. I got mad at someone else once, and changed the ringtones and contacts on their phone…and the language so they couldn’t change it back.
11. I, along with a best friend, stole Magic the dog from Old Navy a few years ago. I put Magic in a big bag and put him in the corner of the kids department, and then distracted the manager while she grabbed the bag and dog and ran out of the store and thru the mall.
12. I saw a ‘positive’ pregnancy test in a public bathroom stall once, and took a picture of it and sent it out to people saying I was pregnant.
13. One day, in a hallway in Opry Mills mall behind Johnny Rocketts, I threw a bunch of eggs against the wall with some of the drugged out cooks from there.
14. Another day, in a hallway in Opry Mills mall, I rode automatic wheelchairs up and down ramps. It was one of the best days of my entire life.
15. I, along with the best friend, met a guy named Rod at a red light one night and went and had drinks with him at O’Charleys. Turns out that it was as dangerous as it sounds, because he tried to get us to pop some weird pills with him when we were leaving. He said he was going to follow us back to our apartment, so I had to pull a Dale Earnhart and drive fast thru Hermitage neighborhoods to lose him. It was scary.
16. We met a guy at a liquor store one night and invited him to a party we were going to. Liquor store guy ended up being a coke head. Another bad decision in the people meeting department.
17. I make up dirty rap songs when I’m in the car.
18. I’ve thrown up on myself, while drunk, more than I would like to admit. Well, more than I can count actually.
19. I threw up under a table at a bar one night because I didn’t feel like walking to the bathroom.
20. Another drunken night downtown, ended with me laying on a ramp in a parking garage and rolling down it. Kinda like when you were a kid and would roll down hills…except I was a drunk 20-something year old rolling down a concrete ramp in a parking garage.
21. When I was a little kid, like 5ish, I was at Finch’s, a store in Pegram, and there was a wreck outside on Highway 70. So my dad and the rest of the adults ran out there to help, and told me to stay inside. And I did. And I wanted a piece of bubblegum super bad, but there was no one around to ask or to pay for it…so I took it. It was only like 5 cents, but I still feel like a hardass criminal who should do time for that. Or just give them a nickel next time I stop by.
22. Also, as a child, my older sister got a tv put in her room and I was mega jealous. So one day I took the remote control to it and hid it in my pillow case. And she looked for it all day and my parents kept telling me to give it back because they knew I took it. But I refused to fold under pressure. But then that night, I was jumping on the bed and my dad told me to stop. So I jumped and fell flat onto the bed, and my head hit the pillow/remote and that’s when I was busted.
23. It took me almost a year and a half to complete a 9 month course at one of those 9 month certificate schools you see advertised on tv.
24. I was at Walmart one day and laughed so hard that I peed on myself. I “tried on” a pair of pants and “accidentally” wore them home. I justified my actions by saying it was Walmart and they treat their employees wrong.
25. One night, at a party, I lost my nose ring. I don’t know what all happened between losing it and waking up, but I woke up with some black guys huge diamond bling bling earring in my nostril. My nose was like half nostril, half diamond. It was a beaut’.
26. I once told my friend Jamie that I had won the audition to be on Deal or No Deal. And that I could bring two people with me, and that I wanted him to be one of them. He believed me, and later on that day my Mom called me and asked if I was going to be on Deal or No Deal. I said no and asked how she heard that. Turns out her friend, heard it from her daughter who heard it from someone else. I LOL’ed for a good couple hours. Jamie believed that lie for months.
27. I threw up in some girls bedroom one night, got scared and covered it up with a T-Shirt.
28. I knocked over a glass of red Kool-Aid on someone’s couch, got scared and covered it up with a T-Shirt.
29. I convinced an old co-worker that I was Chris Martins, lead singer of Coldplay, cousin. And that him and Gwyneth Paltrow invite the family to come to one concert a year, wherever we want to go, and they fly us out and pay for our fancy hotel. And told her that they were coming to town for Christmas that year. She believed it for over a year.
30. I told a guy that I was going to school at Vanderbilt University to become an anesthesiologist. Turns out he was going to Vandy, too. I continued the lie and asked him what courses he was taking that semester. He told me and I told him that I was in one of them. About a month later I ran into the guy at a bar and he asked why I haven’t been in class. I was drunk and confused and then figured out who he was. I LOL’ed and walked off.
31. I accidentally did drugs with a gay guy in a bathroom stall.
32. One of my managers from Old Navy use to really piss me off, so one day after she went thru the whole store and dressed the mannequins, I went thru and changed all of their clothes to extra ugly outfits. She was livid. Here’s one of them…
33. I put condoms in people’s buggess at the grocery store.
34. I tried to steal a tv from someone’s house party one night, but couldn’t lift it. So I took a Yankee Candle instead.
35. I peed behind a dumpster on Church Street.
36. I’ve actually peed in about three different parking garages downtown. And when I say peed in them, I don’t mean I found the toilet and peed, I mean I popped a squat in a corner and pissed.
37. I’ve fallen asleep at the table at Waffle House at least five times.
38. I get a thrill out of being places I’m not supposed to be and trespassing on private property.
39. One night, I was throwing an old Route 44 drink from Sonic out of my car. So I rolled down the passenger side window and threw it super hard. Next thing I knew, it was like a flood of diet coke went all over me, the floor board and seat. Turns out I actually rolled down the back window, not the front passenger window. I haven’t tried to litter ever since.
40. I fell in the house one day and put a hole in the wall. I got scared and put tape over it and painted it with white finger nail polish.
41. I stole a menu from Michael Jordan’s Restaurant in Chicago.
42. I got mad one day and thru my laptop and it broke. But instead of being an adult about it, I called Dell and told them that the bottom of my laptop got so hot that it burned my legs and that I was going to file charges if they didn’t fix the situation…they sent me a new laptop.
43. This was a loooong time ago, and my mom is the one who told me this story, but when I was like 3’ish, I threw a doll off the top of an escalator and everyone thought it was a real baby. I think they should’ve known from that moment that I was going to have issues.
44. Also, as a child, I use to hang my hand out of the window when my parents weren’t looking, and flip the bird to other cars.
45. I got kinda drunk on a day trip to Chicago, went into a Sears and fell asleep in the recliner section. Was woken up by a Sears employee and asked to leave the store immediately. So, I got kicked out of a Sears for drunk sleeping..?
46. I think it’s funny to fart on an elevator when I’m getting off so that the next person has to stand there and smell it.
47. A homeless man stole my grilled cheese sandwich off my plate one night while I was on the patio at a restaurant. I chased him down the street.
48. I threw a Sonic drink at a car one day.
49. I fell asleep inside of the tunnel of an indoor playground at McDonalds…in my 20’s.
50. I steal mixed-drink shakers and cool looking drinking glasses from restaurants and bars. I justify that action by saying since there’s no price tag on it then I’m allowed to take it home. I know I shouldn’t, but I have issues.
51. I got bored one morning while driving on the interstate, and saw a car with a Georgia license plate, and followed it to see where I would end up. I ended up in Atlanta.
52. I went to a psychic once with some friends and we got to ask her three questions. They asked her questions about marriage and kids. I asked her: What will I do for a living? (work in the entertainment industry) How old will I be when I die? (33) How will I die? (a disease) Will I die from a disease that I catch from a celebrity in the entertainment industry?!?! (I’m sorry, you only get three questions) That’s how I knew the world wouldn’t end on 12/21/12. Because I’m supposed to die when I’m 33, and I’m not at that age yet.
53. So no, the world didn’t end, and now y’all know some of my confessions. And to be honest, I feel a little better. So maybe I’ll admit some more one day, but this is enough for now. And yes, it’s true…I lie a lot about very stupid things, I sometimes steal really dumb things, I drink a lot, I cuss a lot, but I try to have fun every day. So I think that’s all that matters, right? Right. And Facebook friends, sorry this wasn’t as exciting as I probably led y’all to believe last night. These were all pretty boring. I’ll do juicier confessions some other time. 🙂