Snow. Liqour Store Run. What are snowflakes made from?, lie.

It’s snowing in Nashville!! WHAAAAAT?! Everyone’s running to the store to stock up on milk and bread!! Me? I went to the grocery store…parking lot, and went into the liquor store next door and bought some Bailey’s to pour into my hot chocolate. LOL. But seriously, I did. Because that’s how ambitious I am about surviving. Pretty sure I would be the first person to die if the world comes to an end or a zombie apocalypse happens…or the Hunger Games!! Katniss and Peeta would be running around trying to survive and the District 3 douchebags would be running around trying to kill everyone, and they would be like “Where’s that dumb bitch from District Nash?!” And I’d be curled up in a tree drinking Amaretto Sours, and making up songs and giggling at how lame they are. Anyways, so it’s snowing and I went to the liquor store.

But on the way back to my apartment, I stopped by T.J. Maxx, another great example as to my survival skills, and I was standing in line behind a mom and her little boy. The mom, who was on her cell phone talking, was ignoring the little boy, who was trying to talk to her. That gets on my nerves more than most anything. Sometimes I want to just steal kids and hide them in the clearance section to scare the parents for a few minutes. But the cute little boy was like “Mom, what are snowflakes made from?!” And the mom annoyingly said “It’s just rain!! But because it’s so cold out, it turns to snow!” And went back to talking on her phone. I was like “wtf?!” And the little boy was also like “wtf?!” and mumbled “that’s no fun”. And since his mom wasn’t paying attention, I was like “Yeah, it’s no fun, because it’s not true. That’s not how snowflakes are made. Wanna know how they’re really made?” And he was like “YEAH!!” So I said, “When airplanes fly into clouds, the clouds are all…ZOOM! KABOOM! Whoopsie!..and shatter into zillions of pieces! And then the pieces fall down to the ground. So “snowflakes” are really just shattered clouds!!” And the cute little boy laughed super hard. So now that mom will have to explain to him later on tonight, that the crazy lady at T.J. Maxx lied to him. I think my idea sounded a lot more interesting than that Mom’s attempt at explaining it, though. All that cell phone use has ruined her imagination and brain cells.

Ohh, I guess I could add that to my list of lies. I could also add that to the list of “Why my parents should have tried to control my imagination better as a child, because now it’s out of control and I don’t know how to stop it”! HA. I’m kidding, sorta. But seriously parents, let that be a lesson learned. Stay off your cell phones in public and pay attention to your kids, or some crazy person will make up answers to the kids questions while you’re “too busy” talking on the phone and planning out where you’re going to go to get smashed on New Years Eve and you’ll be left to fix the lie later on down the road. You’re welcome, planet Earth.

Now it’s time to curl up on the couch, watch a movie, drink Bailey’s hot chocolate and take a ride on the fast train to Nap’Ville. Bye friends ūüôā

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I don’t know what to talk about. New Years Resolutions??

OK! So, lame alert, I started my blog at the beginning of December and I have like 600’ish more views till I’m at 3,000 views. And I know that getting blog views isn’t the reason to have one, but I don’t care. I think it would be neat to get 3,000 views by the end of the year. That’s borderline impossible, but like Audrey Hepburn said “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m Possible“. Womp Womp Wooomp. But seriously, I’ve been racking my brain and asking on Facebook what to blog about.

At first I was thinking I could write a badass, emotional, heart wrenching poem. But then I remembered that anytime I try to rhyme, or attempt to write any kind of poem, within about 45 seconds it turns into a dirty rap song. Pretty much revolving around bitches, hoes, big booties and titties. Pardon that language, but I’ve listened to too much Lil Wayne and the Hip Hop station on Pandora. So writing a poem was checked off the list of possibilities.

Then I thought, “hmm…Ames, why not continue on with your confessions?!” Here’s what I decided to spill last week…
https://itsames.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/the-world-didnt-end-but-ill-still-confess-a-few-things/
And ever since I posted the confessions blog, friends and family have come up to me mentioning things that I left off of the list. Things from drinking some guys drink at a bar when he wasn’t paying attention, to calling up a friend at two in the morning to go play in the fountains in Downtown Nashville. Yeah, it feels so super phenomenal having people point out the “whoopsie” things you’ve done in the past. So I thought about adding to that list, but then I realized that you all know too much about me as it is and I don’t want to scare anyone off yet. So I’m saving those for another day.

Next up was my idea about making a list of all my lies I’ve told over the years. Because like, true story, I lie A LOT. About the dumbest stuff too. For instance, yesterday while I was sitting in traffic bored out of my mind, in Nashville Tennessee, I decided to check in on Facebook from an Aspen Colorado Ski Resort.

Aspen??

Why? I have absolutely no fucking clue. That’s what I’m talking about. Lies just sorta spill out of me and I have no control. Similar to the Wrong Text Ann blog. I text lie after lie to a complete stranger for over a week. WHYYYY?!? I legit have no clue. So I’m going to save the “Lie Blog” for some other time. And in case you missed the Wrong Number Text saga, here’s the link for that little shenanigans:
https://itsames.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/wrong-number-text-a-week-and-a-half-of-clueless-texts/

Then a funny friend of mine said I should do a New Years Resolution type blog and I think that’s a pretty swell idea. So I’m going to incorporate that with a mini bucket list type list. Ok? Ok. So I think that’s what I’m about to do. I’m on my mark, I’m getting set and like…I’m going for it:

1. I guess like, I’ll try not to lie so much…?
2. Visit Chicago more. In case I haven’t mentioned yet, I’m
obsessed with Chicago and want to live there. Super bad.
3. Go on a hot air balloon ride.
4. Try heroin. LOL. jk.
5. Lose some fucking weight.
6. Umm…I don’t know what else. I need some motivation in my life.
7. Oh snap! Look at the blueberry muffins I made this morning.
They grew nipples in the oven. LOL. Seriously though.
nip nip muffins
LOLOL. Anyways.
8. Make sure to take my ADHD medicine everyday.
9. Learn how to cook and bake.
10. Get the vacuum cleaner, that I bought over a month ago, out of the box and vacuum my apartment.
11. Win the lottery.
12. Make a blog about all of the bomb dot com things I will do
with my millions of dollars from the lottery.
13. Stop going to Sonic. lol. Sike.
14. Learn to rollerskate.
15. Figure out what I want to do with my life and try giving
college another shot…? haha. That one’s super iffy.
16. Look at the Christmas decorations that I put on my balcony!
best balcony decorations ever
17. Learn a new language!
18. Get married and have a baby. LOL’ing. NOT.
19. Make a new 90’s music mix cd.
20. Save money better.
21. Umm…Become more motivated and goal oriented, because it’s
apparent that I have no real ambitions for next year.

Welp…this actually turned out to be an extra dumb blog. My bad, gang. You pretty much just wasted your time. I’ll probably end up doing the Lie Blog soon. Or I’m open to suggestions for another blog idea. Cause again, the only goal I have for the remainder of the year is hit 3,000 views. And I have absolutely no life, so I have plenty of time to do whatever. So yeah. There’s my life.

The world didn’t end, but I’ll still confess a few things.

I was going to post this last night, 12/20/12…but I didn’t, because I was tipsy and put a lot of stuff that I didn’t want people to know. And I put on Facebook that I wasn’t going to post it, since the world wasn’t going to end. But a few people asked me to anyways. So I went back today and took out a few things that would be a little too confessional’ey. So, here’s an edited version of last nights blog:

So since the world is supposed to end tomorrow, I figured I would get out some of my deep dark confessions. I would like to apologize in advance to my parents for this…I love you, LarBear and Sherbear.

1. If I drop food on the ground and no one’s around, I pick it up and eat it even if it’s been longer than the 3 second rule.

2. I was pulled over a few years ago after drinking downtown, story: It was a night that I was in a paper, rock, scissors contest at a bar in Downtown Nashville. I lost. But, I had free beers from 7-10. Which means I two-fisted it for three hours. And then had an ungodly amount of Jagerbombs, Lemondrops and Dumpsterbombs. What is a Dumpsterbomb, you ask? Well, it’s like 5 liquors with a can of Red Bull in it. One of those, you’re set for the night. But if you’re like me and like to be out of control when you drink, then three of those will be a good start. So, after a long night of drinking there…and drinking free beers at a karaoke bar, I stupidly decided to drive home. I got pulled over and, from what I remember, it went like this:

police- “ma’am, have you been drinking tonight??”
me- “I had a glass of wine with dinner…?”
police- “young lady, it’s 4 in the morning”
me- “It was a late dinner…?”
police- “Step out of the car”
me- “yessssssirrrs!”
police- “walk in a straight line for us”
me- “ok…*singing, because you’re mine, I walk the line*” and walked attempted to walk, in a straight line.
police- “ookay. Stand on one foot”
me- “umm…” stood on one foot and fell against the car
police- “Can you say the alphabet backwards for us, now”
me- “Z…fuck. No”

They then handcuffed me, sat me on the sidewalk, read me my rights as I cried and puked. But then, it was like the heavens opened up and God said “not tonight, Ames. You will NOT get arrested tonight!” And I cried and did what I do best…ramble. So I rambled and rambled and blabbed to two of the cops while another was running my tags and doing whatever it was police officers do when they’re about to arrest someone. I talked them into taking the handcuffs off of me because “they hurt my wrist so super bad. And I broke that wrist before and it just hurts awfully bad. Please can I take em off?” And boom, they took them off. I don’t know what all I said after that, but long story still long…they had my car towed and called me a cab. BOOM! No ticket. But I haven’t confessed that but to a handful of friends, so I feel better now. I haven’t driven drunk since.

3. I use to get diarrhea every time I went into a Blockbuster.

4. I still get diarrhea whenever I go into a Barnes and Noble.

5. I played on the boats at Bass Pro Shop with some friends one night, till like 3 in the morning.

6. Sometimes, I’ll steal a roll of the individually wrapped toilet paper from public restrooms so I don’t have to stop by the store for toilet paper on my way home.

7. I play a game when I’m out in public with friends, that isn’t nice at all, but it’s way fun. It’s called Your Team. And let’s say you see someone who is super awkward looking or in a weird shirt or doing something strange, then you look at one of your friends and say “Your team”. It sounds weird and dumb and it is. But, it makes me happy.

8. I got mad at someone once, and went thru their phone and deleted every contact they had in their phone book.

9. I got mad at someone else once, and went thru their phone and changed the name on every contact.

10. I got mad at someone else once, and changed the ringtones and contacts on their phone…and the language so they couldn’t change it back.

11. I, along with a best friend, stole Magic the dog from Old Navy a few years ago. I put Magic in a big bag and put him in the corner of the kids department, and then distracted the manager while she grabbed the bag and dog and ran out of the store and thru the mall.

Happy New Year Magic

12. I saw a ‘positive’ pregnancy test in a public bathroom stall once, and took a picture of it and sent it out to people saying I was pregnant.

13. One day, in a hallway in Opry Mills mall behind Johnny Rocketts, I threw a bunch of eggs against the wall with some of the drugged out cooks from there.

14. Another day, in a hallway in Opry Mills mall, I rode automatic wheelchairs up and down ramps. It was one of the best days of my entire life.

15. I, along with the best friend, met a guy named Rod at a red light one night and went and had drinks with him at O’Charleys. Turns out that it was as dangerous as it sounds, because he tried to get us to pop some weird pills with him when we were leaving. He said he was going to follow us back to our apartment, so I had to pull a Dale Earnhart and drive fast thru Hermitage neighborhoods to lose him. It was scary.

16. We met a guy at a liquor store one night and invited him to a party we were going to. Liquor store guy ended up being a coke head. Another bad decision in the people meeting department.

17. I make up dirty rap songs when I’m in the car.

18. I’ve thrown up on myself, while drunk, more than I would like to admit. Well, more than I can count actually.

19. I threw up under a table at a bar one night because I didn’t feel like walking to the bathroom.

20. Another drunken night downtown, ended with me laying on a ramp in a parking garage and rolling down it. Kinda like when you were a kid and would roll down hills…except I was a drunk 20-something year old rolling down a concrete ramp in a parking garage.

21. When I was a little kid, like 5ish, I was at Finch’s, a store in Pegram, and there was a wreck outside on Highway 70. So my dad and the rest of the adults ran out there to help, and told me to stay inside. And I did. And I wanted a piece of bubblegum super bad, but there was no one around to ask or to pay for it…so I took it. It was only like 5 cents, but I still feel like a hardass criminal who should do time for that. Or just give them a nickel next time I stop by.

22. Also, as a child, my older sister got a tv put in her room and I was mega jealous. So one day I took the remote control to it and hid it in my pillow case. And she looked for it all day and my parents kept telling me to give it back because they knew I took it. But I refused to fold under pressure. But then that night, I was jumping on the bed and my dad told me to stop. So I jumped and fell flat onto the bed, and my head hit the pillow/remote and that’s when I was busted.

23. It took me almost a year and a half to complete a 9 month course at one of those 9 month certificate schools you see advertised on tv.

24. I was at Walmart one day and laughed so hard that I peed on myself. I “tried on” a pair of pants and “accidentally” wore them home. I justified my actions by saying it was Walmart and they treat their employees wrong.

25. One night, at a party, I lost my nose ring. I don’t know what all happened between losing it and waking up, but I woke up with some black guys huge diamond bling bling earring in my nostril. My nose was like half nostril, half diamond. It was a beaut’.

26. I once told my friend Jamie that I had won the audition to be on Deal or No Deal. And that I could bring two people with me, and that I wanted him to be one of them. He believed me, and later on that day my Mom called me and asked if I was going to be on Deal or No Deal. I said no and asked how she heard that. Turns out her friend, heard it from her daughter who heard it from someone else. I LOL’ed for a good couple hours. Jamie believed that lie for months.

27. I threw up in some girls bedroom one night, got scared and covered it up with a T-Shirt.

28. I knocked over a glass of red Kool-Aid on someone’s couch, got scared and covered it up with a T-Shirt.

29. I convinced an old co-worker that I was Chris Martins, lead singer of Coldplay, cousin. And that him and Gwyneth Paltrow invite the family to come to one concert a year, wherever we want to go, and they fly us out and pay for our fancy hotel. And told her that they were coming to town for Christmas that year. She believed it for over a year.

30. I told a guy that I was going to school at Vanderbilt University to become an anesthesiologist. Turns out he was going to Vandy, too. I continued the lie and asked him what courses he was taking that semester. He told me and I told him that I was in one of them. About a month later I ran into the guy at a bar and he asked why I haven’t been in class. I was drunk and confused and then figured out who he was. I LOL’ed and walked off.

31. I accidentally did drugs with a gay guy in a bathroom stall.

32. One of my managers from Old Navy use to really piss me off, so one day after she went thru the whole store and dressed the mannequins, I went thru and changed all of their clothes to extra ugly outfits. She was livid. Here’s one of them…

whoops

33. I put condoms in people’s buggess at the grocery store.

34. I tried to steal a tv from someone’s house party one night, but couldn’t lift it. So I took a Yankee Candle instead.

35. I peed behind a dumpster on Church Street.

36. I’ve actually peed in about three different parking garages downtown. And when I say peed in them, I don’t mean I found the toilet and peed, I mean I popped a squat in a corner and pissed.

37. I’ve fallen asleep at the table at Waffle House at least five times.

38. I get a thrill out of being places I’m not supposed to be and trespassing on private property.

39. One night, I was throwing an old Route 44 drink from Sonic out of my car. So I rolled down the passenger side window and threw it super hard. Next thing I knew, it was like a flood of diet coke went all over me, the floor board and seat. Turns out I actually rolled down the back window, not the front passenger window. I haven’t tried to litter ever since.

40. I fell in the house one day and put a hole in the wall. I got scared and put tape over it and painted it with white finger nail polish.

41. I stole a menu from Michael Jordan’s Restaurant in Chicago.

42. I got mad one day and thru my laptop and it broke. But instead of being an adult about it, I called Dell and told them that the bottom of my laptop got so hot that it burned my legs and that I was going to file charges if they didn’t fix the situation…they sent me a new laptop.

43. This was a loooong time ago, and my mom is the one who told me this story, but when I was like 3’ish, I threw a doll off the top of an escalator and everyone thought it was a real baby. I think they should’ve known from that moment that I was going to have issues.

44. Also, as a child, I use to hang my hand out of the window when my parents weren’t looking, and flip the bird to other cars.

45. I got kinda drunk on a day trip to Chicago, went into a Sears and fell asleep in the recliner section. Was woken up by a Sears employee and asked to leave the store immediately. So, I got kicked out of a Sears for drunk sleeping..?

46. I think it’s funny to fart on an elevator when I’m getting off so that the next person has to stand there and smell it.

47. A homeless man stole my grilled cheese sandwich off my plate one night while I was on the patio at a restaurant. I chased him down the street.

48. I threw a Sonic drink at a car one day.

49. I fell asleep inside of the tunnel of an indoor playground at McDonalds…in my 20’s.

50. I steal mixed-drink shakers and cool looking drinking glasses from restaurants and bars. I justify that action by saying since there’s no price tag on it then I’m allowed to take it home. I know I shouldn’t, but I have issues.

51. I got bored one morning while driving on the interstate, and saw a car with a Georgia license plate, and followed it to see where I would end up. I ended up in Atlanta.

52. I went to a psychic once with some friends and we got to ask her three questions. They asked her questions about marriage and kids. I asked her: What will I do for a living? (work in the entertainment industry) How old will I be when I die? (33) How will I die? (a disease) Will I die from a disease that I catch from a celebrity in the entertainment industry?!?! (I’m sorry, you only get three questions) That’s how I knew the world wouldn’t end on 12/21/12. Because I’m supposed to die when I’m 33, and I’m not at that age yet.

53. So no, the world didn’t end, and now y’all know some of my confessions. And to be honest, I feel a little better. So maybe I’ll admit some more one day, but this is enough for now. And yes, it’s true…I lie a lot about very stupid things, I sometimes steal really dumb things, I drink a lot, I cuss a lot, but I try to have fun every day. So I think that’s all that matters, right? Right. And Facebook friends, sorry this wasn’t as exciting as I probably led y’all to believe last night. These were all pretty boring. I’ll do juicier confessions some other time. ūüôā

Wrong Number Text: a week and a half of clueless texts.

So, here it is: The best thing to happen to me in my entire 25 years. The most random, funniest and fun thing to happen. It’s a long story, there’s no way to shorten it because I want to make sure I don’t leave out any detail. But, I promise…it’s worth it. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not. Anyways, it started about a week and a half ago. There I was, riding in a car with my mom and 70’ish year old Great Aunt, minding my own business when I received a text from someone who obviously had the wrong number:

first text

No, I had no clue what the “BMCC” was, nor did I care. I was bored and felt like playing along, sue me. (JK, don’t sue me…I’m pooooor)

I thought that would be the end of our texts, because she was bound to figure out that I wasn’t who she thought I was. But no…

dolly parton pic

Seriously though, the Dolly Parton picture idea was phenomenal. Let’s all agree with that. But I really didn’t think she would think this was a good idea…

dolly parton dance

I’m glad she thought it was hysterical, because I was LOL’ing as I typed it. I also recommended Salt N Pepa’s “Push It”…push it real good. YouTube sensatioooooons!

But I have a sneaking suspicion that she found it more than “hysterical“. Let’s face it, she was digging my idea

choreographer

Now, here’s where it got interesting for me. Once she started talking about outfits and choreography and a sound system, I was like “wtf?! Who am I messing with right now?” So I decided to Google “BMCC in Nashville” and lo and behold, up comes the Belle Meade Country Club. The country club that is well known around the country for being super duper “private”. As in, they don’t enjoy the company of women and black people as members. Whaaaaat?! Yes. Keep in mind, it’s small minded richie’s in Tennessee. So, then I decided that I could keep messing with this person since they’re Belle Meade folk. So I told a little extra fib and said “Hey girl, I’m having a blonde moment, what’s your email address??” And I KNEW she had to have caught on to my lies after that, but no sirs and ma’ams. She text me her email address. SCORE! Now I could Facebook stalk her! But no, she has no Facebook. I did however Google her. Now, I would tell you all what it is, but I don’t want to violate her privacy like that. LOL. Riiiight. But what I will tell you is that she works at Ensworth High School…a $25,000 a year school, full of spoiled kids and kids of a lot of country music singers. And at this point, it was like the heavens opened up and God was like “Ames, you’re poor and can’t afford to fill your gas tank up or go on the Target shopping sprees that your little heart desires. So you have my permission to keep lying to this person.” This person now known as, “Wrong Number Ann“.

Now, the whole time this has been going on, I have been posting stuff about it on Facebook. And everyone was all “Amy, you HAVE to figure out when this party is! You HAVE to find out what kind of party it is!” And I give people what they want. So I had to think of some way to get her to tell me the day and time of the party. Now, I’m supposed to be her friend that is helping throw the party, so I couldn’t very well be “Hey girl…what day is the party on again?!” So I did what I do best, create a super mega lie. So I made up a lame story, along with a fake email address:

fake email

Now I KNEW she wouldn’t believe this and would call my bluff. But no, you pretty face friends, instead of her saying “Who the fuck are you?!! Why would you lie about all of this?!” My fake email received a copy of the invitation. Siiiigh. Wrong Number Ann, that’s not too smart!

photo

Ok, so I colored over the names of the real people who are helping throw the party, and put my name instead. But I don’t care, I worked hard on this event. And I’m too nice of a person to post the real one (haha, right), because of the other womens names on it, but here’s a summary of them (all figured out after Googling and Facebook stalking them): They spend a lot of time on vacations and skiing. And a lot of time at fancy social life parties in Nashville. And to top it off, one of the women had purchased a house in 2010 for 2.5 million dollars (thank you Google!!) Way to help us get one step closer to stealing your friends identities, Wrong Number Ann.

Well we text back and forth for a few days, nothing too exciting:

getting a box polite

I didn’t really get a box. Shhh.

dont wrap it

LOL. Blonde moment.

mailbox

Nope…I have no clue about cards in a mailbox. Which kinda sucks a nut, because today is the day of the party.

dinner

Whoopsies. Hope that dinner turned out ok. I wouldn’t know, because I was busy at my own dinner at a local Mexican restaurant, shout-out to Cancun’s! Anyways, I was busy at Cancun’s with my real life best friend, drinking margarita’s and pulling a Home Alone while working on a game plan.

game plan

I know what you’re thinking “That’s pretty much the best plan, in the history of plans”. And you’re right. It was. However, I’m sad to say, that we didn’t get far into it. Here’s how it went down: We did get into the Belle Meade Country Club, spent about 15 minutes looking for the library (location of party), were taking fun pictures while we searched for the room. Now, I went with my best friend, who happens to be a black guy. And like I previously stated, black people aren’t welcomed with open arms there, so we stood out a little extra and we kept being asked what we were doing and if we needed something. We did eventually find the library, and managed to sneak a picture before being terrified by servers and security and running out like little girls.

Private Party

Ohhh, private party!

Donnie hurry

Donnie!! Come on!

party people

Entirely too many sophisticated people for us. But no worries, we’re not mad!

we're not mad

In fact, we decided to keep messing with Wrong Number Ann to see if she ever caught on…

wheres the library?

Maybe we’ll hear from her soon. Maybe not. All I know is it’s been a fun week and a half texting this stranger and giving dumb ideas and agreeing to do things that I had no intention of doing. And, you’re probably thinking, “Amy that’s not nice!” Fuck you, it is. Because Belle Meade Country Club people aren’t nice and so it’s one of those things that is socially acceptable. And to add to it, everyone said that I wouldn’t have the balls to actually go into the place tonight, and now I’m sitting here Laughing Out Loud and thinking like “98% of y’all are lame and wouldn’t have even walked thru the door. Dweeeeeebs!”, because I really did. Even if only for a 15 minutes, and even if I didn’t meet any of the people at the party. I don’t care, because I still had a damn good time trying. So the moral of this story is, if some crazy person texts you…just play along. Ain’t no shame in that game. You never know how it will end. I’m glad I did! Now the only thing, and I mean only thing, I’m worried about with all of this is…what will my therapist think?!?!

But, all of this excitement has worn me out. I might add more to the story later, or let y’all know if Wrong Number Ann ever responds back to my nagging texts from tonight. We’ll see if she does. Till then, goodnight pals.

The Queen Latifah who lives in the apartment above mine

I have read blogs and stories that people post about their loud apartment neighbors, because if you live in an apartment then you know how loud your upstairs neighbors can be sometimes. And people will post outrageously hilarious and blunt letters they write to their obnoxiously loud nieghbs’ and I’m always like “Man, that’s super funny! I wish I had the balls to do that!!” But, I don’t. Because that seems super risky. Like, those people know where you live. How can you be so confident that taping a letter to someone’s door telling them¬†“you sound like a stampede of bulls. sincerely, the person below you.” won’t result in that bull walking downstairs, charging into your apartment, and beating the shit out of you?! That terrifies¬†me. I’m a wimp.¬†Which is the main reason that I have never complained about the Queen Latifah bitch that lives above me.

Now my Queen Latifah¬†is the most proudest, and well loudest, person to live in my entire building. This is the woman who will park her car in the front space directly in front of our building, every day. And by “front space” I mean the illegal¬†emergency space that is in between the two correct, legal, parking spots. The space that they ask people to keep clear for when someone is moving in, so they can back their truck into it. Or, most importantly, the space that they ask people to keep clear in case of an emergency, so emergency workers can get in and out of the building quickly. THIS is the space that my Queen Latifah¬†chooses to park her vehicle. And no one, especially not me, has the balls to tell her to not park there. Or to even mention it to our apartment managers. I mean, we are great at talking shit behind her back as to why she thinks she is far more superior to the rest of us who have to walk farther to get to our building. And don’t even get me started on her parking there if it is raining. If she wasn’t such a self-righteous bitch and park there, then if it was to be raining, we could all walk directly onto the sidewalk and into our building. But, nooooo. Queen Latifah¬†parks in the emergency space, so we have to walk around her car and into the grass and then step onto the sidewalk. ‘Ohh¬†big deal, Amy!’ Fuck you,¬†it is a big deal when you have to step into ankle-deep water and mud just to get onto the sidewalk of your building!! Especially if your shoe wardrobe consists mainly of Old Navy flip flops! But no, none of us have the courage to tell her to get off her high horse and park it in the next spot over. Like, I would rather have to face the embarrassment of having paramedics strap me to a stretcher, and try to lift my obese body in the air to get me over her car and into the parking lot, than politely ask her to not park there. She’s that ridiculous.

So how in the world am I supposed to tell my Queen Latifah that she is the loudest human being in the history of loud human beings? I don’t know what she does up there, I really don’t. But¬†I have¬†spent many days and nights trying to come up with ideas:

1. Wow, is she teaching an elephant to jump rope?

2. WTF? Is she using a hammer, to hammer a hammer, into a hammer, into a nail and thru the floor?

3. Queen Latifah…? Starting a garage band…?

4. Well that’s cool that she’s rehearsing for her audition for Stomp, again.

5. Is she doing Zumba up there? And not inviting me?

6.¬†¬†Whoa wait!! Is she playing Don’t Drop Mama, with her real Mama? And losing?

7. Monkey in the Middle, with a bowling ball, and no monkey or other person?

8. Did she just throw her refrigerator across the room?

9. LOL. She didn’t just “Shut The Front Door!!” Bitch slaaaaammed the front door.

10. Did she just kick a puppy?

11. No, wait…she just drop-kicked a St Bernard.

12. Did Shaquille¬†O’Neal¬†just¬†came over to teach her how to do the Soulja Boy dance?¬†¬†

13. Wait, now I KNOW she really did just throw her refrigerator across the room.

14. Is that sex she’s having?¬†Or is that¬†scream a scream of a woman who is fixing to be¬†the next character based event on Law and Order:¬†SVU?

15. Benson and Stabler, is that you up there?

Benson and Stabler??

16. Is that Irish Dancing I hear going on?

17. Holy shit. Is she dropping the dead body of the former resident of my apartment?? Who complained about how loud she was?? As a hint for me to keep my mouth shut?? Will I be the next¬†lifeless body she’s dropping, for the next resident to hear???!?!?!?!?

18. What noise? There’s no noise up there, ever. Like…EVER. I didn’t even know anyone lived up there. Wow, they must be the quietest person to ever exist. That’s awesome. They should probably get a discount on their rent for being so quiet. I should mention that to the apartment manager. Fuck, I should just pay their rent for them. Yeah, that would be a super good way to let them know that I have absolutely no ill thoughts about them.¬†Yeah…what noise?

“Amy, start a blog”, they said. “It will be fun”, they said

I’ve thought about starting a blog for a good couple of¬†years now, but I’ve been entirely too busy lazy to put forth the effort. But I’m sick of Facebook “friends¬†telling me to start one, so I’m going to give it a shot, to make them shut the hell up, because I fold under peer pressure, because¬†I hate confrontation, ok?! So yes, I folded. I had no idea how you are supposed to start a blog, I guess? Do you just start typing a thought or do you post a funny eCard¬†picture or upload a video of a baby giggling at a dog chewing on paper or give out your social security number and mothers maiden name? Like, I just didn’t know. So some of my friends told me to slowly introduce myself, by posting some of my old Facebook statuses that they thought were funny. One of them said “Ames, you need to ease the blog world people into your life. Like, your life stresses me out and worries me to death, and I’ve known you for 15 years. Don’t scare people off”…Thanks asshole. So, I guess I’ll “ease you in” with old, stupid, rambling Facebook posts. I think it’s nifty that you can click on pictures that I post to make them bigger, and I also think it’s pretty swell that you can change¬†colors and fonts…so I think I really might enjoy blogging!¬†And¬†I’m going to apologize in advance for the way these statuses¬†look and sound…it’s Facebook, not a college writing course. Annnnnd, go:

See? I have A LOT of issues…

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And now here is how excited I get over the smallest things…

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I lie, a lot. I don’t know why. Even to strangers who text the wrong number.¬†It just sort of comes out, and then sort of escalates¬†rather quickly. I’m sorrrrryyyy (not)…

Wrong Number

I’m really not a morning person, nor do I follow rules…

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I am¬†crafty as shit. I feel like¬†I am crafty as shit…¬†

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My masterpiece? I was borderline tipsy by the time I made it to the orange bottle…

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My attempt at calming people down after the election results. I’m not very good at it…

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I am okay¬†with my human-hood to update statuses while in public restrooms…

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Another example of a craft attempt

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I really do get excited over the small things. Example: Finding Nemo 3D…
 
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I mean, who wouldn’t be excited about going to the opening night of Finding Nemo 3D?!?!
 
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A good example of my attitude and use of vulgar words when I’m having my womanweek…
 
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GO AWAY JEHOVAH WITNESS!!!!!!!
 
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But, thank you for the connect the dots page…
 
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The day I figured out you could change your check in location without really being there. I was way too excited about it and¬†I told everyone I was in Las Vegas gambling and having the best time ever. Everyone was worried and jealous, so I had to apologize…from Nashville…
 
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My favorite way to spend ANY night: Braless¬†and watching a Law and Order:¬†SVU marathon. I adore Benson and Stabler…
 
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The worst cab ride ever. Fuck you Daytona Beach, cabbies
 
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The day after I got¬†MEGA shitfaced in Daytona. From what I remember, it consisted of a lot of beers, some strawberry¬†daiquiri ‘s and quite a few Rum Buckets. It would also consist of me, a friend and my brother in law drunk in the ocean, and¬†me yelling out¬†after a¬†man had caught a baby shark a few feet away from us “It’s because of me! I’m on my period! Sharks like blood..they can smell the menstruation! You’re welcome!” I also remember a lot of falling while going back to our hotel room. And from what the other two say, they pushed me onto a crowded elevator and yelled at the strangers to make sure I got off on our floor. And that is where it ended with me passing out at 5pm
 
 
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I know I’m cool! I think I’m cooler than I really am…
 
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Caught between the “damn you storm, the power is out!” and the “help me I’m poor, my power went out!” thoughts…
 
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I like to give my friends advice. I feel that I’m knowledgable about a thing or two. Especially periods and eating. I want need¬†cookies, cake, ice cream, chips, dip, donuts, pizza, candy and a diet coke
 
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No one knows how I have even survived 25 years
 
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After making it home from surgery feeling so beautifully drugged up…
 
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SMH. Welcome to America…
 
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If you actually read¬†that nonsense and¬†made it all the way here to the bottom, then…thank you, you beautiful person. I did put a lot of old stuff on here, but nowhere near what is on my actual Facebook. Because I have a life and did not feel like going back and getting more to share. I hope I did okay with starting my first blog and that my dorky friends will be happy with this. If not they can go suck a big green floppy donkey dick. Yes, I took it there. So is that it? That’s all I have to put on here? Do I have to say, bye? Umm…bye.