How I ended up in the projects of Nashville. What? Carpe the Hell out of this Diem!

Now, this is a story, all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I…ended up in the projects of Nashville. Okay, that didn’t really work out as well as Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but fuck it. I’m not a real rapper. But I did end up in the projects a couple of nights ago, and was going to tell y’all about it. Get excited, because it’s not really that exciting of a story.

So I’ve been in a major funk mood for a week or so, and my lovely friends have been helping me get out of it, even without knowing, just by talking and getting me out of the apartment (womp womp womp). I also decided I need to keep my blah moods off of Facebook, because my moods are good at making other people worry and doesn’t help cheer them up, and I’d rather cheer people up than make them worry…so I’ll keep my moods to myself now. And post stuff like this instead:

Now the day started with me going with a friend to a super cute little vintage art sale type thing. It’s just a bunch of booths set up with local artist who sale their stuff. It’s awesome. One of our friends had a booth there, so we went for her and to shop. But, best of all, there was a booth set up selling beer and wine. Score. That’s where I went, and threw down $8 for a big cup of wine. We walked around, I chugged it and soon became parched and needed another. Boom. 8 more bucks for a big cup of wine. By now I had become friendly with the two alcohol booth workers. So we went back to our friends booth, and I was like “I’m going to go throw my cup away”, and the trashcan was conveniently located next to…the booze booth. So I walked up and they were like “You want more?” And I was like, “yeah, nahhh…” but then asked how much a bottle would be. I have no shame. And when they told me $10, I was like “BRB!” and went over to my friends to borrow some cash. And without them knowing, they contributed to my alcoholism. Because they were all kinda “wtf’ish” when I walked back over with a bottle of wine. That’s when I knew my afternoon would be better than any afternoon last week. Because I, Ames, went to an art fair and walked out with a bottle of wine and super badass pillow made by my friend Lisa.

carpe the hell out of the diem with wine

(Y’all should seriously check out her stuff…if you have a Facebook Like her page https://www.facebook.com/#!/LisaMarieInvitationsandDesign?fref=ts and if you don’t have a Facebook, or do, whatever, then here’s her ETSY http://www.etsy.com/shop/LisaMarieInvitations She has the cutest stuff and is going to start selling the pillows soon. I don’t know if she wants a business plug from a blog talking about going to the projects, but…oh well.)

Okay, back to my story. So I was also invited out to Mercy Lounge to listen to a band Friday night and I was like, “Alright I’ll go”. But later that night when I got home, the wire on my bra broke and was poking my tit and I was like, “yeah, I’m not going to go…I’m going to stay home and drink wine and watch tv and be braless all night”. So my friend Suzy stopped by and she said she was invited to some party and asked if I wanted to go. Now, I really didn’t want to, but I had drunk 1.5 bottles of wine and a glass of wine from my boxed wine selection and a shot of Fireball. I’m classy as fuuuuck. So I decided to go. So we headed to the party and quickly realized that we weren’t in our type of neighborhood, and that’s when Suzy said we were in the projects. And yes, we definitely were.

We weren’t really sure about going to it after that, because two white girls from Cheatham County don’t really fit in with that type of place. But we’re pretty much down for anything. So we kept heading that way, but first stopped by Suzy’s work to handle some business in the restroom. Because let’s face it, the last place you want to sit your ass is on a toilet in the ‘hood. And normally we’ll pop a squat outside, but I have a feeling that’s even more dangerous than the toilet seat. So we did our business and started heading to the “house party”. Woop Woop, raise the roof. But on our way there, she called one of her friends who had invited us, and he was like “yeah, we called a cab…we’re not staying here!” and we were right down the street, and heading that way, so we said we would pick them up. And as we pulled closer, 11ish at night, there stood the two white people waiting to jump into our car. And they did. And we left and went to her friend Pauls house. Who is now my Facebook friend, so we’re basically BFF’s now.

So we hung out at his place for a little bit, where I consumed more beer and another big shot of Fireball. And around 12ish we decided to roll out of there and head home. But we both decided it would be mega hilarious to stop by that party, and take a pic of us there and send it to him. Like, LOL funny. So we did. Now, I was completely drunk. I was at the 2ish bottles of wine, three shots of Fireball and a six-pack of beer…because when I get drunk, I also like to feel out of control. So less drunk Suzy should’ve been like “eh, bad idea for two white girls to drive back into the projects to take a picture at a party.” But, she’s like me and we don’t understand the concept of dangerous because we don’t watch the news.

where the party at
Suzy, drunk me, Suzy’s drunk friend Matt…I think.

We got back to the party and was walking to the house from our car and heard “fire crackers”…but we’re quite certain that it was more of a gun cracker than a fire cracker, but whatevs’. One of Suzy’s other friends that had invited her to the party earlier, had decided to stay, so luckily we had him there too. So we walked into the party like we were personally invited to it, and here’s where it gets interesting…

Rap battle, whaaat?!

Rap battle, whaaaat?! Yes, we walked right into a freestyle rap battle. And if you know me, then you know that I am 100% obsessed with this kind of stuff. Like, 8 Mile is one of my fav movies and is the reason that I want to move to Detroit and become a rapper like Eminem. Refer back to this if you weren’t aware of that passion…
https://itsames.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/i-want-to-live-in-detroit-where-are-whoopie-golbergs-eyebrows-my-mind-wanders-in-1299-directions-lets-be-friends/

So needless to say, once we realized shit was getting real in there, we stayed for a while. It was awesome, awesome. And we were invited to some rap thing they’re doing at some club in a couple weeks. Annnd I literally had the best night ever. I lost my Cheatham County white girl status that night, and I couldn’t be happier. And that, angel faces, is how I ended up in the projects of Nashville.

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I want to live in Detroit. Where are Whoopie Golberg’s eyebrows?? My mind wanders in 1,299 directions. Let’s be friends!

I wanted to move to Detroit after watching the movie 8 Mile. Speaking of hair products, I bought a new shampoo and conditioner to try out and my hair has never looked so sexy and irresistible. Do you want to go on a hot air balloon ride with me? Butterscotch candy tastes good. I had a dream last night that I got a puppy…it was the best dream ever. Speaking of dreams, I have a recurring dream that my teeth fall out in crazy weird, but painless, ways. One day I was riding my bike behind a bus and I started to smile and my teeth crumbled out of my mouth. That was one of the dreams, not real life. Because I have my teeth. When I go to the dentist, my dentist takes a picture of the “daggum” tat that I have tattooed on my lip. I wish they would give me laughing gas at the dentist. When I had back surgery last year, I told the anesthesiologist to “Stay golden, Ponyboy” as I was drifting into unconsciousness. I like the color, blue. It reminds me of the sky…and the ocean. I like going to the beach. I almost married a foreign kiosk worker for $10,000 so he could stay in America. I don’t want to get married, unless it’s while drunk in Vegas. I’ve never been to Vegas tho. I once checked in to Facebook from the Vegas strip, but I was really in Nashville just bullshitting my friends. I played the card game Bullshit with a couple of strangers one night at a bar after I asked them what game they were playing and they were like “Gin” and I was like “Oh…I don’t know how to play that game…wanna play bullshit instead?!” and so we did. I got lost in the mall when I was like 5 years old while waiting in line to get Stephanie from Full House’s autograph. I used to practice my autograph when I was a kid because I thought I would be famous. I also used to talk to myself. I told my 2nd grade teacher that she looked like Mrs. Doubtfire. I like Robin Williams, I think he’s funny. And hairy, like really hairy. Did you know Whoopie Goldberg doesn’t have eyebrows? I don’t know why, but she doesn’t. I noticed it while watching Sister Act. I don’t eat the bottom part of bananas. Do you? Someone told me as a child that maggots live in the bottom of bananas, so I haven’t been able to eat that part since. Since we’re talking about childhood, how was yours? Mine was good. I slipped on a coloring book once and hurt my arm. And fell in a hole at the zoo and sprained my ankle. I used to give haircuts to my Trolls. Did you have trolls? The toy, not the trolls that live under bridges. I wonder what it’s like to live under a bridge. I bet it’s cold. My nipples get hard when I’m cold. Do yours? Oh can I see? lol..JK. I don’t want to see your nipples. Unless they’re beautiful, then please oh please show them. You know what’s beautiful? Your face. And don’t let anyone ever tell you different. And if someone tries to tell you that you’re not beautiful then tell me and I’ll go kick their ass!!! Jk. I can’t fight. I took a kickboxing class one night at the Y…but I had a couple margaritas before the class, and was tipsy and fighting like a, well…like a tipsy girl. I don’t like fighting tho, I’d rather hug it out. Hugs not drugs..unless the drug is cocaine, because we all know that is a fucking blast. Like Dena from Jersey Shore says “a blast in a glass”! I took an etiquette class once and was playing the cup game with my friend, where you beat on a cup and the table and flip and switch. But we were using fancy champagne glasses. And we accidentally broke them. Like bones. Did you get your calcium in today?! I dare you to ask the next lady you see breastfeeding if you can have a taste! LOL. Sike. That would probably land you in jail, and I don’t want you in jail. Someone would make you their bitch. And you’d have to fight. And if you can’t even beat the shit out of someone for saying your face isn’t beautiful, then how are you supposed to protect yourself from people in jail? Don’t drop the soap! If you ask, will they give you body wash instead of soap? Bars of soap are so disgusting, so I would want to have my Bath and Body Works body wash with me in jail. I once road with a couple of friends to take one of our friends to jail to do her 48-hours for getting a DUI. We drank the whole way there. And one of my friends gave her a speech about not letting another inmate eat her monkey. I always wanted a pet monkey. You wanna go steal one from the zoo with me? I stole bamboo from the zoo once, so how much harder could a monkey be? Probably not as hard as your man’s dick when…wait? What? I told you my hair is sexy and irresistible right now. Want me to talk dirty to you? Alright then big boy…there I was, standing in the shower, super wet, annnnnd then I peed. TMI? Fuck you and your abbreviations. That’s why the English language is so difficult to learn. I want to learn some crazy ass tribal language…or Spanish. But Spanish people talk faster than Busta Rhymes, so it seems hard. And ain’t nobody got time for that! Except someone who’s unemployed. They have plenty of time. I haven’t worn a watch since my Tigger watch in elementary school. And my dad broke it. It made me sooooo mad. Like how Eminem hates his dad for messing up his life…except my dad didn’t mess up my life, just my Tigger watch. Eminem is from Detroit Michigan. Which is where 8 Mile is based from. And Eminem is in 8 Mile. I want to live in Detroit. And eat some macaroni and cheese. Oh, and take a hot air balloon ride. But I can’t right now because I’m too busy running my fingers thru my newly sexy and irresistible hair. Pretty fucking sexual actually. And by sexual I mean, not sexual at all because I can’t find my hairbrush so it’s basically my fingers trying to get out tangles. Anyways, wanna be friends?! Like, BEST friends?! Forever? Where’s my puppy?

This is how I spend 87% of my day thinking about things. Did this post really just happen? Yep, sure did.