Lezzbehonest. I mean, we’re internet BFFs and all, so we might as well be frank with one another. I was mega honest with y’all a few months ago, and told y’all a buttload of secrets. In case you missed it, here it is:
Yeah, my parents were super proud to find those out and have people ask them about them when they would see them in public. And I’m in the mood to be honest again. It won’t be anything like that first one, because let’s face it. I was more than an open book with that one. But, I’m bored…sooo, lezzzbehonest.
1. In high school, on one of our “senior skip days”, I went with some friends to get tattoos. Most of us were 17. Annnnd…we smoked weed with the tattoo guy.
2. I once asked a truck driver in a parking lot if I could see what the inside of his truck looked like and take a picture in it. He let me. Looking back, that could’ve been a murder moment.
3. I also asked the driver of an ice cream van, in the parking lot of a liquor store, if I could take a picture inside of it.
4. I went to a psychic once and got to ask her three questions. So I asked what will my profession be? When will I die? and how will I die? Her response was I’ll work in the entertainment industry. I’ll die when I’m 33 years old. And it will be from a disease. I then asked her if it will be a disease I catch from a celebrity, and she was all “You only get THREE questions!” bitch.
5. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
lol…Jk. That was Digital Underground that got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
6. I take my bra off in traffic when it’s super hot out. What?! It gets HOT in Tennessee summers!!
7. I get hardcore competitive when playing board/card games. Especially Uno. I will cuss a bitch up and down during that fucking game. “DRAW FOUR?!?! FUCK YOU!”
8. I saw Big Momma’s House in the movie theatre 5 times.
9. I can quote Pitch Perfect word for word.
10. I can out drink most men. Seriously.
11. My Nannie can out drink me.
12. A few years ago, on a road trip to Kentucky, my friend and I got bored in the car, so we called our manager and told her that we had been arrested and needed her help. She totally believed it. Annnnd totally didn’t think it was as funny as we did. Whoops.
13. I caught a cup of alcohol on fire on my friends front porch because I wanted to see if it would really catch fire. It did.
14. I would probably have sex with someone if they would pay off my car note and other debt.
15. Fuck it…I would have sex with someone if they would just pay off my car note.
16. When I’m using a public restroom and there are women talking back and forth between the stalls, I like to chime in and give my opinion on the subject.
17. I thoroughly enjoy rolling houses.
18. I tried being a smoker for a while, but I didn’t know how to inhale the right way, and everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong and wasting cigarettes. And it made me feel uncool, so I stopped trying.
19. I cook meth.
20. I know all of the words to Ice Ice Baby and Baby Got Back.
21. I was on my period in Florida last year, and drunk in the ocean, and a guy close to us caught a baby shark and I yelled out “I’m the reason you caught that! I’m on my period and they can smell the menstruation. You’re welcome!” I have no shame when I’m drunk.
22. Which is probably why, when I’m drunk at a bar, I like to go up to black people and ask them to teach me how to dance like they do.
23. I was lying about cooking meth. LOL. I can barely cook spaghetti.
24. This one time, I told my friend that someone had called her house phone to talk to her about a new up in coming business opportunity, and then I made up a fake phone number. And she believed me and called the number asking about it. Talk about confusion. I LOL’ed for a long time about that.
25. I lie about dumb stuff…my mom says I just have an imagination.
26. I pee in the pool.
27. I kissed a girl and I liked it…the taste of her cherry chapstick.
28. I wanted to be a truck driver and a veterinarian when I was a kid.
29. The first thing I’ll buy myself when I win the lottery is a doo doo brown El Camino, with a CB Radio.. That was my dream car when I turned 16, and I didn’t get it. Sooo, I’ll be purchasing that.
30. I like to throw banana peels out of my window, like the gorilla from Mario Kart, to see if people spin out when they run over it. So far, no one has.
31. I pee in the shower.
32. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.
33. I fell down the stairs a few years ago and broke my wrist. But when people ask me how it happened, I like to make up stories about it. So, so far I’ve broken it in a bar fight. Umm, when I was in a car accident and the other vehicle caught on fire and I tried saving the driver of the car. I loved someone so much that I caught a grenade for them. Trying to carjack someone in Compton.
34.If there were a hidden camera in my car then you would:
* See me pick my nose, fart and burp…constantly.
* Hear me sing along with the radio with more passion than any one person has ever sang with.
* Witness me talking back to the radio commercials. “Are you looking to buy a new diamond for your loved one?”…”Well, yes I am.”…”Are you interested in affordable cheap payments?”…”fuck yeah, I am!”…”Then give us a call at 555-5555!”…”Alrighty then. I’ll talk to you soon!”
* Hear me try to give myself advice to my own problems.
* Also hear me talk smack about people.
* Cry along to sad songs.
* Basically have one horrible emotional rollercoaster of a drive to wherever I’m going.
* Then say “How am I already here?!” once I reach my destination.
35. I tried ecstasy once…and it consisted of me taking a clock off of the wall and making a Flava Flave necklace and wearing it around, eating tater tots, dancing annnnd puking. I think it might have not been real ecstasy. Either way, I haven’t tried it since.
36. I like to buy homeless people, that are standing outside of restraunts, food.
37. I really do dream of world peace.
38. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a roadtrip with a fun friend. Inviting me on a roadtrip will automatically make me want to be your BFF.
39. I once overflowed a toilet in a Sonic in St. Louis…I’ve never ran away from a crime scene as fast as I booked it out that day.
40. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life…maybe become a truck driver?
41. One morning, when I had a hangover and was riding in the backseat of a friends car, I told her husband “pull over, I’m fixing to be sick” and he was like “Hang on a sec.” And I was like “No…” and he didn’t pull over and I puked all over the back seat and floorboard. Should’ve listened dumbass.
42. And I really will have sex with whoever is willing to pay off my car note…just saying.
LOL. J/K…no I won’t. Okay, yeah I will.
Welp, this helped me waste a couple of hours at work! And wasted a few minutes of your life while reading it. I know it sucked, but it kept me busy and unannoyed for a little while. You’re welcome, America.
Oh, real quick, do y’all wanna hear a funny thing my Nannie said yesterday? Cool, because I was going to tell y’all anyways…so she went to see the doctor that’s going to be doing the operation for her breast cancer, and it’s the same doctor she had 15 years ago when she went thru it all. And she said the doctor was like “Well, Mrs Vanderpool, you’ve lost weight since I’ve seen you!” And Nannie is small, and has been, and didn’t like that statement. So Nannie was like, “I was going to respond to that with ‘Yeah, and you look a lot older and more tired since I’ve last seen you’ but remembered that I would be unconscious with her cutting me open, so I figured I should keep that to myself. No telling what she’d do to my boobs”. LOLOL. Ahhh, I loved it.
Lezzzbehonest…this was lame..MAYBE I should go do some more bad things and then I’ll have more to confess, and then it won’t be as lame. Best. Idea. Ever. Ok?! Bye!