No Mr. Homeless man, YOU have the pretty smile!

I got distracted by quoting Friday and hair-do’s and giraffe pussy to even tell y’all what happened this morning, which was the reason I was going to post today anyways. Amy, you are an idiot. So, sorry for posting two times with in a few minutes. Sike.

So in Nashville we have this newspaper, called The Contributor, that is about the homeless life with stories and poems and news written by the homeless community in the city. AND it’s sold by homeless vendors…whaaaat?!?! Yeah, it’s pretty fucking cool!!! Like, they buy a paper for .25 and sell it for $1.00 and get to keep the .75 profit and any tips they receive. Pretty bomb dot com if you ask me. So anytime I see a vendor selling one, I buy it. And if I already have the issue then I’ll give them a buck and say keep the paper for someone else. Seriously, a dollar isn’t that big of a deal to hand out. Sooooo yeah, I always get onto my friends and family and make them give money. You’re welcome, loved ones.

Well this morning, I stopped for a diet coke and I saw a man selling the paper as I was leaving the parking lot. And, my train of thought is, if I can buy myself a drink then I can give money on my way out. So I stopped. And the guy got ready to hand me the paper, and me hand him money, and I was like “ohh I already have that issue, so you can keep it! Oh wait!! No I don’t!!” And I gave him a dollar and he gave me the paper and laughed. And with a huge smile on his face, he said “you have such a pretty smile!! God bless you!” And it hit me…this man, who does not have a home to go to on a cold day like today, is still happy, laughing and smiling. And I know sooo many people who have hundreds of meaningless possessions and live a materialistic life and are always unhappy and bitter and just a pain in the ass. But if this man, who has nothing but the backpack sitting on the sidewalk next to him, can see the positive and be happy with life, then so can we. And, not trying to judge, but when he smiled, he didn’t have all of his teeth and some were a few different colors. So most people would say he didn’t have a nice smile. But I think he had the greatest smile I’ve seen in a long time. He is the one with the pretty smile.

Count your blessings, not your problems.



Lezzbehonest. I mean, we’re internet BFFs and all, so we might as well be frank with one another. I was mega honest with y’all a few months ago, and told y’all a buttload of secrets. In case you missed it, here it is:

Yeah, my parents were super proud to find those out and have people ask them about them when they would see them in public. And I’m in the mood to be honest again. It won’t be anything like that first one, because let’s face it. I was more than an open book with that one. But, I’m bored…sooo, lezzzbehonest.

1. In high school, on one of our “senior skip days”, I went with some friends to get tattoos. Most of us were 17. Annnnd…we smoked weed with the tattoo guy.

2. I once asked a truck driver in a parking lot if I could see what the inside of his truck looked like and take a picture in it. He let me. Looking back, that could’ve been a murder moment.

3. I also asked the driver of an ice cream van, in the parking lot of a liquor store, if I could take a picture inside of it.

4. I went to a psychic once and got to ask her three questions. So I asked what will my profession be? When will I die? and how will I die? Her response was I’ll work in the entertainment industry. I’ll die when I’m 33 years old. And it will be from a disease. I then asked her if it will be a disease I catch from a celebrity, and she was all “You only get THREE questions!” bitch.

5. I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

lol…Jk. That was Digital Underground that got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

6. I take my bra off in traffic when it’s super hot out. What?! It gets HOT in Tennessee summers!!

7. I get hardcore competitive when playing board/card games. Especially Uno. I will cuss a bitch up and down during that fucking game. “DRAW FOUR?!?! FUCK YOU!”

8. I saw Big Momma’s House in the movie theatre 5 times.

9. I can quote Pitch Perfect word for word.

10. I can out drink most men. Seriously.

11. My Nannie can out drink me.

12. A few years ago, on a road trip to Kentucky, my friend and I got bored in the car, so we called our manager and told her that we had been arrested and needed her help. She totally believed it. Annnnd totally didn’t think it was as funny as we did. Whoops.

13. I caught a cup of alcohol on fire on my friends front porch because I wanted to see if it would really catch fire. It did.

14. I would probably have sex with someone if they would pay off my car note and other debt.

15. Fuck it…I would have sex with someone if they would just pay off my car note.

16. When I’m using a public restroom and there are women talking back and forth between the stalls, I like to chime in and give my opinion on the subject.

17. I thoroughly enjoy rolling houses.

18. I tried being a smoker for a while, but I didn’t know how to inhale the right way, and everyone kept telling me I was doing it wrong and wasting cigarettes. And it made me feel uncool, so I stopped trying.

19. I cook meth.

20. I know all of the words to Ice Ice Baby and Baby Got Back.

21. I was on my period in Florida last year, and drunk in the ocean, and a guy close to us caught a baby shark and I yelled out “I’m the reason you caught that! I’m on my period and they can smell the menstruation. You’re welcome!” I have no shame when I’m drunk.

22. Which is probably why, when I’m drunk at a bar, I like to go up to black people and ask them to teach me how to dance like they do.

23. I was lying about cooking meth. LOL. I can barely cook spaghetti.

24. This one time, I told my friend that someone had called her house phone to talk to her about a new up in coming business opportunity, and then I made up a fake phone number. And she believed me and called the number asking about it. Talk about confusion. I LOL’ed for a long time about that.

25. I lie about dumb stuff…my mom says I just have an imagination.

26. I pee in the pool.

27. I kissed a girl and I liked it…the taste of her cherry chapstick.

28. I wanted to be a truck driver and a veterinarian when I was a kid.

29. The first thing I’ll buy myself when I win the lottery is a doo doo brown El Camino, with a CB Radio.. That was my dream car when I turned 16, and I didn’t get it. Sooo, I’ll be purchasing that.

30. I like to throw banana peels out of my window, like the gorilla from Mario Kart, to see if people spin out when they run over it. So far, no one has.

31. I pee in the shower.

32. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.

33. I fell down the stairs a few years ago and broke my wrist. But when people ask me how it happened, I like to make up stories about it. So, so far I’ve broken it in a bar fight. Umm, when I was in a car accident and the other vehicle caught on fire and I tried saving the driver of the car. I loved someone so much that I caught a grenade for them. Trying to carjack someone in Compton.

34.If there were a hidden camera in my car then you would:

* See me pick my nose, fart and burp…constantly.
* Hear me sing along with the radio with more passion than any one person has ever sang with.
* Witness me talking back to the radio commercials. “Are you looking to buy a new diamond for your loved one?”…”Well, yes I am.”…”Are you interested in affordable cheap payments?”…”fuck yeah, I am!”…”Then give us a call at 555-5555!”…”Alrighty then. I’ll talk to you soon!”
* Hear me try to give myself advice to my own problems.
* Also hear me talk smack about people.
* Cry along to sad songs.
* Basically have one horrible emotional rollercoaster of a drive to wherever I’m going.
* Then say “How am I already here?!” once I reach my destination.

35. I tried ecstasy once…and it consisted of me taking a clock off of the wall and making a Flava Flave necklace and wearing it around, eating tater tots, dancing annnnd puking. I think it might have not been real ecstasy. Either way, I haven’t tried it since.

36. I like to buy homeless people, that are standing outside of restraunts, food.

37. I really do dream of world peace.

38. There’s nothing I enjoy more than a roadtrip with a fun friend. Inviting me on a roadtrip will automatically make me want to be your BFF.

39. I once overflowed a toilet in a Sonic in St. Louis…I’ve never ran away from a crime scene as fast as I booked it out that day.

40. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life…maybe become a truck driver?

41. One morning, when I had a hangover and was riding in the backseat of a friends car, I told her husband “pull over, I’m fixing to be sick” and he was like “Hang on a sec.” And I was like “No…” and he didn’t pull over and I puked all over the back seat and floorboard. Should’ve listened dumbass.

42. And I really will have sex with whoever is willing to pay off my car note…just saying.

LOL. J/K…no I won’t. Okay, yeah I will.

Welp, this helped me waste a couple of hours at work! And wasted a few minutes of your life while reading it. I know it sucked, but it kept me busy and unannoyed for a little while. You’re welcome, America.

Oh, real quick, do y’all wanna hear a funny thing my Nannie said yesterday? Cool, because I was going to tell y’all anyways…so she went to see the doctor that’s going to be doing the operation for her breast cancer, and it’s the same doctor she had 15 years ago when she went thru it all. And she said the doctor was like “Well, Mrs Vanderpool, you’ve lost weight since I’ve seen you!” And Nannie is small, and has been, and didn’t like that statement. So Nannie was like, “I was going to respond to that with ‘Yeah, and you look a lot older and more tired since I’ve last seen you’ but remembered that I would be unconscious with her cutting me open, so I figured I should keep that to myself. No telling what she’d do to my boobs”. LOLOL. Ahhh, I loved it.

Lezzzbehonest…this was lame..MAYBE I should go do some more bad things and then I’ll have more to confess, and then it won’t be as lame. Best. Idea. Ever. Ok?! Bye!

Who hung the moon? my nannie did. Your mom’s a dog. Cancer, ain’t nobody got time for that!

Hey Ames, what’s been going on with you?” -world (lol…yeah, the world really wants to fucking know what’s been going on in my life)

But, since you asked, y’all…shit has been up and down and all around town. There’s been good, bad, woo hoo and sad. Want me to get the bad and sad stuff out of the way first? Good, I think that’s a good idea too. And I pinky promise that the fun, random, extra dumb stuff that’s in my mind will be mentioned after I get the blah stuff out of the way. Okay? Ooookay!

We got, quite possible, the worst news ever this week. Well, I think it’s the worst news I’ve ever gotten because it has to do with my Nannie. I’ve mentioned her on here before, and how she is the coolest person ever. But we found out her breast cancer is back. She kicked cancers ass, twice, and has been going strong for 15 years, but it’s back. And it sucks the biggest suck in the history of sucks. I love her more than I love pretty much anyone, and love love love hanging out and spending time with her and going on our mini roadtrips to her old hometown to visit her sister. I’m lame and would rather be around her than with friends. I just love her. And everyone that knows her loves her so super much. Like, if you’re ever in Nashville let me know and I’ll take you over to meet her so you can fall in love too. She loves having visitors!! I go over there a few times a week on my lunch break or after work. If you’re good at Wheel of Fortune then you’ll be her new BFF because she watches that every night. So to say that my heart hurts just by thinking about what is or might happen is an understatement. Devasted. She’s taking it better than I am, because she’s the bomb like that. I think I’m taking it harder than anyone, well my mom thinks that, since me and Nannie are so super close. Like, if you Googled “who hung the moon?” a picture of this woman would pop up


I could do an entire post about her and the funny shit she says, because she really does say some funny out-there type shit. But I’ll save that for another day.

Another unfun thing is how my best friend kicked me to the curb after I told her something that I thought she should/would need to know. Guess she didn’t like what I told her. I dunno…I always thought it was “secrets don’t make friends”. Guess telling a secret doesn’t keep a friend. BUT if I were married, I would want to know if my husband tried or did do something inappropriate to a friend. Whoopsie-daisy, did I just put that on here? Yeah, I did. But it’s okay, y’all don’t know her. But it sucks that I lost my best friend over something that wasn’t my fault, especially when I’m having a hard time and need that BFF type help. But what do I know about marriage drama? I’m not married, because I’m not in love. That, and it’s not legal yet. Wait, what? But it’s okay. I have a replacement BFF and she’s cuter than any BFF anyone could ever ask for!!


See? What BFF could top the worlds most adorable niece??

What else has been going on? Umm…I started back to Zumba! And that shit is hard as fuck when you’re out of shape like my badonkadonk ass is! And the teachers are wicked hard and intense..they also told me not to post bad things about their class, so I won’t…since there is nothing bad. Womp Womp Wooomp. Makes me sweat like a dirty whore when I’m in there, and walk funny the next day. Like, “man…you took a pounding last night huh?” type of walk. But I’ll be back to my healthy, milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard, self soon.

See, my milkshake use to bring so many boys to the yard that I had to run them over with a giant ball. Life’s tough when you’re me.
my milkshake brought so many boys to the yard that I had to run them off with a giant ball.

LOL. JK. That was just me drunk in Panama City Beach.

Hey look at my cute new lunchbox!! I made it myself!
super cute new lunchbox

Ok, I didn’t really make it…I bought it from ThirtyOne.
Ok, I didn’t buy it…my mom bought it for me.
Ok, I lied, she didn’t buy it…she stole it.
Ok, that was a lie…she really bought it for me. Anyways, how cuuuute right??

Speaking of lie, someone asked me earlier if their shoes matched their outfit well, and I said “yeah totally”. But they totally didn’t. They looked hideous. And I felt like Regina George from Mean Girls. That’s so fetch.

Speaking of fetch, I really want a dog. Like, super bad.

Speaking of dog, how’s your mom?

LOLOL…that made me giggle. That’s the first time I’ve made myself laugh all week.

Speaking of all week, this week has sucked a big green floppy donkey dick, so I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Speaking of donkey di…nevermind.

Speaking of weekend, I’ll get to hang out with new and old friends. So I’m excited about that.

Speaking of old friends and being excited, my long time, bestest friend since 1st grade friend and I went and watched Identity Thief Sunday night. Hilarious. And now I want to start stealing people’s identities.

Speaking of stealing people’s identities, what’s your social security number?

Oh y’all! I showed Nannie the “Ain’t nobody got time for that” video and we LOL’ed so hard! And I got her saying it some. It’s borderline phenomenal.

Yesterday, at work, I went downstairs to get a drink from the vending machine, and I farted in the elevator when I got off so the next person that got on would have to smell it…I know, immature…but I needed a pick me up laugh, super bad. But when I was finished getting the drink and pushed the up button, the same elevator opened up and no one else had been on it and I had to smell my own fart and it was awful and disgusting.

Speaking of awful and disgusting, I was feeling both of those a few days ago and found a quote from Tina Fey that made me feel a little better. So, sweet angelic internet friends, I’m going to share it with you, so if you ever feel like shadoobie then you can remember this and realize we’re all in the same boat…

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.” -Tina Fey

See? We’re all in the struggle together, pals. So we gotta help each other every day to remember that we’re not alone. Sappy, I know, but it’s totes true. So true, that I just used the word totes. So holler at me if you ever need someone to talk to. K? k. And if you live near me and need someone to drink out your problems with, then I really am the girl for that job!

But seriously, what’s your social security number?

Have y’all Googled “who hung the moon” yet? The picture of Nannie might just pull up whenever I Google it, but it might work for y’all too. Whoooo knows. Either way, this was a long dumb post. To sum it up: I’ve lost my best friend over something stupid. I got a new lunchbox. We’re all friends and need to help one another out. I farted on an elevator yesterday. My milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard. My niece is adorable. I want a dog. Oh, and I called your mom a dog. Annnnd…my Nannie has breast cancer. Cancer: ain’t nobody got time for that!!

So, if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go steal some identities now!

I had a dream…of a beauty pageant, no period, teeth falling out, a puppy and blueberry nipples. Whaaaat?

Y’all wanna hear about my dreams last night?? That’s cool, cause I was going to tell you anyways.

I had a dream…that I was in a beauty pageant, LOLOL…I know right?, and the man asked the question “If you could have anything you want, what would it be?” to all of the contestants. And they all said, “world peace“. And it got to me and I was like “to never bleed from my vagina again!” Way to stay classy, Amy.

I had a dream…that I was at Zanie’s, a comedy club in Nash, and started laughing really hard annnnd my teeth fell out. True story: I have dreams about my teeth falling out, all the time. It’s weird. And I always wake up in a panic and run to the mirror to make sure I still have them. I had a dream one night that I was riding my bike behind a bus and started smiling like a complete idiot annnnd then my teeth crumbled out of my mouth. It’s bad news bears when I have those dreams. Anyways.

I had a dream…that I got a puppy! And was eating blueberry muffins and the cute little pup’ was eating them with me! It was adorable!

But when I finally started getting ready for work, I knew those dreams wouldn’t come true. I can’t be in a beauty pageant. My teeth, hopefully, won’t fall out at Zanie’s while laughing. I won’t be getting a puppy anytime soon. But then I realized I could totally do something about the blueberry muffins. So I made some mother fucking blueberry muffins for breakfast, and they were borderline phenomenal. And yes, as usual, they came out of the oven with the nipple shaped tops. I can’t figure out why that happens. Guess my oven and/or muffin pan is perverted like their owner. Maybe if I sweet talk the bitches, they’ll stop turning my food into sexual body parts. Be all like “want me to put it in you? Nice and slow? Is that how you like it?” Or do the pelvis thrust towards the oven and be all like “want me to bang the shit out of you to teach you a lesson?!?!” LOL. That’s not appropriate talk for a lady. My bad.

Speaking of naughty muffins…right as I was pulling out of my apartment complex this morning, shoving one of the muff’s in my mouth, the heaven’s opened up and God was like “Ames, have a great day! You deserve it boo!” and then he made “big pimpin'” come on Pandora. And it was like, right as I pulled out. It was one of those moments that if my life were a movie or tv show then that would have been my background music for the morning. I totes felt like a thug’ish pimp…with my muffins, Sonic diet coke, and adorable little orange Kia.

Speaking of pimp…I couldn’t remember if I had taken my medicine this morning before leaving for work, so I decided to take it again…just in case. Which means I took 2 crazy pills, 2 happy pills and 2 ADD pills. Which means, I’m the happiest bitch in Nashville today. Like, the sun is literally shining out of my ass! And I have never been more focused in my life. I feel like I could accomplish anything!! Cure cancer today? Why the fuck not?! Learn how to read braille?! OK! Find a black boy and ask him to teach me how to Dougie? Sounds like a fucking plan to me.

Speaking of a plan…I’m trying to come up with a plan to buy a house. Watch out world, I’m becoming an adult!!!

Speaking of being an adult…I need an alcoholic beverage.

Speaking of alcoholic beverage…I hope all of you beautiful friends have a fantastic weekend!!!