Ames, how’d you sleep last night? *knock knock* who’s there?!

“Ames, how’d you sleep last night?”- World

Well, I’m glad you asked. I didn’t sleep worth a shit. WHY?

I got home last night, watched some tv, and went to bed around 11’ish. Sounds like a great night, right? Wrong. At around 11:20, someone knocked on my door, and from that point on, I was too afraid to sleep. Okay, so there I was, about to fall asleep, when I heard the knock. And it freaked me out, so I text my friends to make sure it wasn’t them. Because I missed them banging on my door last week, so I thought this might have been a drunken random repeat. But they said they were at home. And like 20ish seconds after the first knock, the person knocked again, but kind of louder. And I was like, homo you ain’t. So my first quick action move was to put a shirt on. Because I was hot and took my shirt off, and I love sleeping topless. But if there was a murderer fixing to bust in and kill me, I didn’t want the police to find me topless. So I leaned down from bed and grabbed a shirt off the floor. Then I tiptoed to my bedroom door, and shut the bitch. Then hurried back to bed and put the covers over my head, so I could NEVER be found by any intruder. It was like when Macauley Culkin pulled the covers over his head in Home Alone when he was all “I’m not afraid anymore!! Did you hear me?! I said, I’m not afraid anymore!!!” And that creepy old man walked up and scared him and he ran inside, up to his parents room and covered his head. That’s what it was like. Except I’m a grown adult, in my own apartment, afraid of a knock at the door. So my imagination was running wild, because I watch entirely too many scary movies and shows. Like, it’s probably considered unnatural or unhealthy the amount of weird shit I watch. But oh well. All I know is, I was terrified. And y’all know how when you get really scared and it makes you have to shit? Yeah, I was that scared. Like, I had to shit so bad. But I was too afraid to walk out of my room and down the hall to the restroom, because I knew that there was someone waiting outside my door, just ready to butcher me.

So I stayed in bed thinking about what all the knock could have been. I had the dishwasher on, so I thought “could it be the people downstairs coming up to say that my dishwasher had leaked and thru the floor into their apartment?!” No, they moved out. Besides, the apartment people would have been contacted and maintenance wouldn’t have responded in such a quick time, and they know to call me…for reasons like this. “Is this fixing to be like Law and Order: SVU?!?” No one would want to rape me, but if someone does bust in here, I need an exit strategy. I could jump out of the window, onto the tree outside, and shimmy my way down. Or just fall to the ground and roll down the hill and run away. “Was it the guy upstairs to let me know that he dropped a lit candle and the apartment is fixing to go up in flames??!” No, because I don’t smell smoke. I took my smoke detector off the wall a few months ago, because it was making a god awful noise one night and I was drunk and not in the mood for all that mess, and I haven’t really put it back together yet. Whoops…
smoke detector. Who needs one?

So I just listened closely to hear his alarm, and I didn’t hear anything. But then I remembered that my new upstairs neighbor is partially deaf, and he probably wouldn’t hear anything either, so I shouldn’t depend on him. “What if it’s the creepy Kevin Spacey neighbor from across the hall, and he knows that I now call him the creepy Kevin Spacey neighbor and he wants to share words about that?!??!” No, I doubt he reads my blog. He doesn’t even have the time to find a real fucking parking spot, what makes me think he has the time to sit and read my bull. “I need something to protect myself??” Ames, it’s been an hour. I doubt anyone’s coming in. But just in case, hold on to the Chicago Cubs baseball bat for protection. My parents gave it to me, because well…I like Chicago, and it’s good protection. As long as the intruder is cool with coming close, because the bat is only so big, so unless I plan on throwing it at he/she, they need to be in close range.

I don’t know how long I ended up lying there in bed thinking of scenarios, because I woke up a few hours later spooning a pillow, with the baseball in my bed, still wearing a t-shirt. Either way, I didn’t get much sleep last night. So I think a nap will be in my near future. And that, pals, is how my night of slumber went.

protection

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