My Finding Nemo died when he came to work with me.

I meant to post this yesterday, but forgot to hit publish, because I’m a failure at life? JK. But seriously, this was my morning yesterday…

So y’all, listen!! Please. I was pulling out of my apartment this morning and saw some gross looking bug on the hood of my car, which I now know was a praying mantis, and I was like “eww” and expected it to fly off once I started speeding down my street, but it didn’t! This badass mantis totally lowered down like “I’m holding on, Ames!! Lessssgo!!!”
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go

But once I got to the interstate I was like “holy shit…I just accidentally pulled a Finding Nemo! Did I steal the parent? Or the baby? Or a friend???? His family and friends will be looking for him in Bellevue and his badass self will be in downtown Nashville! How will they find him??? I just ruined their family!” So I didn’t drive over 60 the whole way here and clearly I named him, Nemo. I would have been an idiot not to name him that. And I thought about his bug family and friends trying to travel down I-40 to come find him, and imagined the real Nemo’s dad and Dory swimming to try to find him at, P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australlia. Would the bugs know how to find my office?? I didn’t leave any goggles behind for them to read my addy. So I decided to capture my new Nemo, before I knew he was a praying mantis and how mean those little shits are, once I got to work and put him in a cup and save his life and then take him back home this afternoon to be reunited with his loved ones!!! But when I got to work, I went to take a pic of him before I put him in the cup, and once I took the pic, Nemo jumped at me and I got scared and swatted really hard and like…I think I killed Nemo.

This was the last pic of Nemo, before he came at me and with my phone in hand, I slapped his ass away.

RIP Nemo

I felt bad about it for a couple of hours, then I found out that praying mantis, aka Nemo, was the bug that is like the bully in the bug world. And eats other animals and kills shit and sometimes, the female eats the male during or after sex. Whaaaat?!?! In the words of my manager when we found out about the eating the man during sex, “Talk about S&M!”. Rihanna definitely didn’t mention that part in her song though. “Sex in the air, I don’t care I love the smell of it. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me…almost as much as eating my mate alive!” whaaat?! Yeah, so I’m not that sad that I killed Nemo after he survived the 20+ minute drive to work. Man, my Finding Nemo story totally took ended up out in left field, and definitely didn’t end as sweet as Pixar’s Finding Nemo. My bad, boo boo’s.


My new bald creepy Kevin Spacey/Britney Spears neighbor

Holy moly, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted on here! I bet y’all are wondering how it’s been since my last post about coming out. Well, things have been awesome! I wish I would’ve done it years ago, but I guess it’s better late than never! Right? Right. I have had, for the most part, nothing but love and support from my friends and family. I am blessed. There have been a few not so nice remarks, but I’m trying to learn how to ignore those people and their opinions. I’m not very good at it, but I’m trying MFers. But what I really wanted to tell y’all about was that I think my Queen Latifah has moved. Or died.

If you’ve read my blog or Facebook before, then you know about my cray cray neighb that lives (lived) above me who was mega obnoxious and loud and who parked in the very front spot in front of our building, that’s not even a real parking spot. It’s like the emergency spot. But anyways, in case you haven’t heard about her and that situation, refer to this:

So, yeah, she sucked. But I came home from vacation a few weeks ago, and her car was gone! hallelujah! However, while I was on vacation, some new mega creepy dude moved in across the hall from me. And he now parks in the front non-parking spot. I refuse to complain on him though because this mother fucker is legit the creepiest man I’ve seen in a long time. And that says a lot coming from me, because I’ll invite strangers home from the bar to hangout and watch movies. Like, I love strangers. Except this dude. He looks like someone from a scary movie. Like the person doing the rapes and murders. Like, he probably touches himself to pictures of little kdis. Like, he probably masturbates with an animal skull. Like, he probably has a collection of trolls in his underwear drawer. Like, I came home late a few nights ago, and one of my neighbors was walking out of the building while he was walking in, and he totally knocked her shoulder and didn’t even say sorry. And she’s one of the ghetto girls, so that’s someone who most people (I) tend to be polite to. But nope, not bald creeper man. He legit looks and acts like a Law and Order: SVU suspect. I’ve been trying to snap a picture, but I haven’t been able to. So to give you a visual of who I’m dealing with now…

My Kevin Spacey'ish creeper bald man neighb.

No, my new creepy neighb isn’t the real Kevin Spacey, but that’s kind of what he looks like. And when he gets angry, I’m guessing he looks like Britney Spears when she went bald and crazy…

Angry bald britney spears

Now I don’t know if my apartment people did a thorough background check on homedog, but I’m thinking we’re going to have to do some detective work ourselves, boo boo’s. So I’m going to find out this guys name and we’re going to get to work. Until then, be prepared for anything. And if you never hear from me again, it’s because I’m dead in that guys apartment for trying to be nosey and snoop around. Or because I don’t have internet at my apartment, so it’s hard to get on here a lot. LOL. But seriously. Nice talking to y’all, and I pinky promise I’ll try to post something else soon and not wait another two months. Because I know how much y’all have missed my long random rambles (not). Love y’all, bye.