Soooo, I’m the only one in the office today, well besides my bossy that’s hanging out in his little office in the back. So pretty much by myself and bored out of my ever lovin’ mind. Usually when the others are here, and I think of something, I like to say it out loud. Not everything, just some. Like, 45% of what comes to mind. But there’s no one here to tell. So I’m bored. And there’s only so much Pinterest pinning and Facebook stalking you can do. Ohh, unless one of y’all want to be on my cool person list and add me on Facebook so I can stalk your page and look at pictures and have the best afternoon ever!! Just in case any of y’all do want to help me survive the day and become super duper BFF’s, you can holla at a sista here…
https://www.facebook.com/amymartin6
If not, that’s cool too. I’ll stick to talking to myself for the rest of the day. Which is exactly what I’ve been doing. Which is why I felt like writing a post to tell y’all some of the things I’ve been thinking about!! Exciting shit, I know! (not)
So, here are the thoughts I’ve had today:
- It’s hot in here, Amy. This isn’t some rap video where you can make the temperature rise and start stripping your clothes off and throwing money in the air. Turn the heat down some, girlfriend.
- Play some Mahjong!!
- I kinda like being here alone, because I can burp and fart whenever I want and no one can hear or smell any of it!
- Speaking of bodily functions, Ames, you haven’t peed since you’re apartment this morning! Go pee before your vagina leaks.
- Speaking of vagina, it’s so super fun being a girl and saying inappropriate things and getting away with it! Like girls say things like “Yeah, suck my dick”, and that’s funny. Because it’s a girl and girls don’t even have dicks. But if a man were to say “Yeah, suck my dick”…pretty sure that’s like, sexual harassment. And Michelle Tanner would def be like “You’re in big trouble, Mister!”
- Speaking of Michelle Tanner, I wish I were a twin. I think it would be fun to have a twin sister around.
- Damnit, why can’t I win in Mahjong!!!
- Ugh, the stupid phone is ringing. I don’t want to answer it.
- Brrr Brrr it’s cold in here now. My nipples are hard. I could probably cut glass or poke someone’s eye out with these things. Turn the heat back up some, boo.
- See what’s going on with Facebook…
- Oh, wait…I never went to pee. Annnd yep. My vagina is leaking.
- OMG, could people be anymore lame with their Facebook statuses?? No one cares that your husband came home late last night and that you’re mad. It’s called a marriage counselor, not your Facebook friends. Wait, did she really just say “Having a rough time, pray for me” and then when someone commented “what’s going on?” she responded with “I’ll send you a private message”?!?!? Bitch, get over yourself. No one cares about you. Ohh, your kid’s potty trained now. Well, I’ve been sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to find that news out. Thank you for sharing. Siiike.
- It’s too quiet in here. Turn on Pandora. Ohh, Jay-Z, you want me to get that dirt off my shoulders?! If you insist.
- I gotta fart.
- See if the blogs still pull up on Google! “Queen Latifah apartment…” LOL, I can’t believe my blog shows up for Queen Latifahs apartment.
- Oh, see if “Leonardo Dicaprio took advantage…” still shows up on Google! Yessss!! I really wish Leo would Google himself and find my blog, so he can invite me to L.A. to hangout with him.
- I need a new job.
- Let’s see what the Twitter world is twitter’ing about today…yeah, I don’t understand Twitter. Let’s go back to Facebook.
- WTF? Look at that picture! She is a hot fucking mess.
- I need some crafts to do this weekend! WHADUP Pinterest!!
- Did I really just pin like 2,283 eCard pictures and pictures of animals and quotes from Mean Girls and Pitch Perfect??? Yup.
- Yeah, I won’t do any of these crafts this weekend.
- YouTube time!
- LOL. Listen to that baby laughing at that dad tearing up paper!!
- Ohhh yeah, let’s watch some Jenna Marbles. Umm…Jenna, will you marry me?
- What’s going on in Hollywood?!
- Can’t believe Kim K is preggo. That kid is going to look buuuuusted.
- Why would Jessica Simpson get pregnant, again, right after losing all that weight. Dumb Dumb.
- Celebrities are so fucking annoying.
- Ohh, I have some Ruzzle games to play!
- I’m hungry.
- I wanna go to Target.
- LOL. A girl saying “suck my dick” ahh, classic.
- Who the fuck just walked in the door?….no bitch, the restroom is on down the hall.
- Oh snap, that fart I just let out is too much to handle. Where’s my Bath and Body Works spray?!?
- What if instead of cars running on gas, they ran on laughter and singing along to the radio?!
- What if birds swam and fish flew?
- Speaking of flying, I really want to go to Chicago soon! Or New York!! I wonder how much tickets are right now…fuck you, Southwest. That’s preposterous!
- I need to make friends with people who live in cool cities so I can go visit and crash for free at their house.
- Holy balls, I’m going to be 26 next Saturday. Noooo!!
- Peanuts sound good right about now.
- Nope, can’t eat peanuts…I have to lose weight and nothing good comes from eating a jar of Planters peanuts.
- I can’t wait to go to the Y tonight!! LOL…yeah, I can.
- Ugh, the phone is ringing again. Whatever, suck my dick.
- Was that thunder??
- Nope, just my belly uh-rumbling.
- I wish a puppy would walk in right now.
- Speaking of puppy, I wouldn’t mind a nap.
- How big of a fatass would it make me if I ordered a pizza? Nooo, Amy!! You can’t eat pizza today. It’s called becoming healthy!
- Hmm..I wonder if I should order a pizza and clean my apartment tomorrow night?
- I need a life. I should get out and do something this weekend!
- Speaking of getting a life, I wonder what Tom from Myspace is up to these days.
- Speaking of Myspace, go do a post on your blog!
- Ok, fine…watch out WordPress, here I come!
- Everyone’s going to think this post is stupid. Oh well. They can suck my dick. LOL. Ahh, that never gets old.
Seriously though, y’all. I’m bored and someone should send me a Facebook thing so I can creep on all of your pictures and statuses. Oh and I’m sorry for this blog and, literally, sharing everything that I’ve been thinking about today annnnd for saying “suck my dick” so many times…I’ll try to work on that. LOL! Jk. No I won’t.
lmfao :L Made me smile.
Ha! Good! Smiling’s always fun!
I for one truly enjoyed your post, but I’m not going to friend you on facebook because of fear of retaliation because I am a boring facebooker. I would tweet you but I’m not sure how that thing works either, whats up with all those people staring at you when you log in? thanks for this very fun post, I can never compete with it.
Haha. I wouldn’t hate on you too bad for boring Facebook statuses
and thank you! 
Crap! I was going to FB you, but I’m trying to potty train my kid, so….
Also, I love that you train of thought seems to derail and hit small villages with frightening regularity.
Also also, now I want a puppy.
Also also also, I live in DC. That may or may not be cool enough for you. But I want to find you and bribe you with peanuts to be my friend.
Not in a stalker-y kind of way, though. More of a, “Let’s go to Target, and pin lots of things on Pinterest that we will never make, because we’ll be too busy eating Pringles.”
….now I want pringles.
Ohh, this made me laugh! I wouldn’t hate on you for potty training. And I’ve been to DC before, forever and ever ago, and loved it!! Like, I want to go back again.
Umm, and I’m pretty sure walking thru Target, acting like we’ll do Pinterest crafts, and eating Pringles sounds like the best time ever! I think you may be my new BFF. Sound good? Good.
Huzzah! I figured it was either friendship, or a restraining order. And honestly, there’s only so many of those a girl can accumulate before you start wondering if there really IS something about you*.
*Pro-Tip: The voices in my head say I’m a hella good catch.
I’d like to start leaving a long string of fake updates: “Let the dogs out, brushed my hair, put the roast in the crockpot, scratched my ass, let the dogs in and a cat, where’s the other cat?, took my fibromyalga medication, watched maury, picked out the right baby daddy, picked at my flea bites…”. Funny as always. Sorry I missed the BFF/Facebook op. I read it too late in the day.
See? Those would be fun to read!
You’re too funny. I don’t even update my status. I’m mysterious like that. lol
Haha. I’m the opposite. I update mine, constantly, with the dumbest and most random things ever. I’m the obnoxious updater
Pretty funny! Hope you get out this weekend!
You are fucking funny! BTW- thx for cking out my blog. You must have been fucking bored when you did…But for amusement purposes you might like this one. http://alesiablogs.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/a-sons-musings/ Let me know if you need me to lead you to any of my other blogs that are “funny!”
Thanks!! I’m always looking for super funny blogs to read
Thank you for contacting me. I was worried because there had been one nominee who did not want to accept the award because his blog was all about photos, not words. What about you? Now that you are back from your holidays, shall I put your name back on my nomination list? It is up to you, but whatever you choose, I shall still follow your blog because your posts are astute and make me laugh. I have once unfollowed you imagining that I had offended you by the nomination, but I am back on your followers list seeing that you might be OK with it. By the way I love your new blog.